The Search For Clarity...

heavy

2012-01-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

this brought up so much pain. is part of why i had to get out http://thecripplegate.com/heavy-handed-leadership/

accountability

2011-12-31T22:47:00.000-08:00

Sacred Science.

The group's doctrine or ideology is considered to be the ultimate Truth, beyond all questioning or dispute. Truth is not to be found outside the group. The leader, as the spokesperson for God or for all humanity, is likewise above criticism. Many such leaders have patterns of avoiding accountability and aggression towards his critics. Leaders often have the appearance of accountability to a presbytery and an internal church government, but often the systems have been designed to avoid all accountability. Presbyters are often friends, associates or subordinates of the cult leader(s).

Thou Shalt Not Question (Pg 69, Martin's summary)
The totalist environment maintains an aura of sacredness around its teachings and practices. Therefore, any doubts or questions about the system are prohibited. The prohibitions may be either clearly evident or subtly implied. The totalists look upon anyone who criticizes or disagrees with what’s happening or proposes alternative ideas as evil, irreverent, and even unscientific. Thus, they exalt the ideas of a human leader to the level of God. If an individual goes along with the teachings and practices, being caught up in the aura of sacredness can give a sense of comfort and security. This leads to a posture and unquestioning faith. But such a position of unquestioning faith. But such a position of unquestioning faith is not easy to sustain, especially if the member’s experiences and reality come more and more in conflict with what he is being told to believe. On the other hand, the “sacred science” can gain such a strong hold over the person mentally that if he begins to feel attracted to contradictory ideas or alternative ideas, he may feel guilt and fear. Consequently, his quest for truth and reality is hindered. (This actually contradicts the character of the genuinely scientific approach.)

from http://undermoregrace.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-can-i-tell-if-my-church-is-abusive.html

emphases mine.

*sighs*

purity

2011-12-31T22:32:00.000-08:00

Demand for Purity.

The world is viewed as black and white and the members are constantly exhorted to conform to the ideology of the group and strive for perfection. Dissidents or competing ideologies are labeled as entirely untrustworthy and are given the connotation of near-heresy. (In psychology, this ego defense is termed "splitting.") The induction of guilt and/or shame is a powerful control device used here. Systems of positive reinforcement of acceptable behavior and negative reinforcement of unwanted behavior are employed to promote compliance with the group norm. Favored individuals are often used to model behavior and are rewarded very publicly to promote group compliance.

Getting Nowhere Fast (Pg 36, Martin's summary)
This is a demand which goes to the extreme of labeling certain thoughts, feelings and actions as “sins” which really are not sins at all. Even human limitations, weaknesses, and imperfections are categorized as “sin,” and perhaps looked upon with condemnation. In other words, it is a demand for perfection. It is a kind of purity that is not reachable. It is a standard of purity, of rightness and wrongness, as defined by the leader (the ideological totalist). Every human being has a certain amount of guilt and shame that can be tapped into. At totalist leader can then exploit this guilt and shame:
· To remind the subject of his limitations and weaknesses
· As a manipulative appeal to the subject to strive for the ultimate standard of good as the authoritative leader so defines it.
The result is a burden of man-made rules that come to be accepted as necessary for purity or perfection. But the rules are hard to bear and the goal is unattainable, resulting in undue guilt and shame. Hence, it is a system of legalism. The guilt and shame are used as emotional levers, and serve to prod the member toward continuous reform. The subject keeps on striving painfully to meet the prevailing standard. But it is like being on a treadmill, or pursuing the carrot on a stick. If the subject does not measure up to the standard or keep the rules, he is expected to expect (or willingly accept) punishment, humiliation, and ostracism.

from http://undermoregrace.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-can-i-tell-if-my-church-is-abusive.html

whats sad is that this can be at play in otherwise well meaning people and churches.

poppy seeds

2011-12-28T17:10:00.001-08:00

i want a home

2011-12-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

i want a home a real home with a mummy an daddy and kitty cats an safety an love an no anger

this kinda noise would make the man yell
we was never happy

we wanna be able to talk like these kitties an they don get in troubles

questioning

2011-12-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

http://youtu.be/WQ34Nl-XZRQ

amnesia -- so simple

2011-12-15T21:43:00.001-08:00

major triger warn

sun uf a beech

2011-12-14T20:51:00.000-08:00

ahem.

this is scary to watch. it reveals how easy this is to do.

and lifts some doubt. which is scary in itself. :S

just to show how easy it is

2011-12-14T15:43:00.001-08:00

extra nos

2011-12-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

feels like in the last few months 've gone through such a paradigm shift.
for the good, i believe.
for the worse, many believe.
a whole new me?

--i wonder what that means, internally speaking.
has there been some kind of shift?

i feel more present day-to-day.
more calm, without losing touch with my emotions.
functioning even through the worst heartache ever, without shutting down.

feel like i'm finally experiencing God's grace -- His favor and love for me.
the unconditionality of it.
the too-good-to-be-true-but-YES-it's-true-ness.

i'm learning to stop looking to my fruit for proof that i'm His,
and looking instead to His promise.
extra nos -- outside of myself.

God is outside of me.
yes, i am in Him and He is in me.
but He is not me, He is not 'within' me, He is not mine, i do not own or hold sway over Him.

He is totally other than me.
immanent, yes.
but transcendent.

the power to *do* -- God's power, does not come from within me, but from without.
and it is in His hands, not mine.
it is not mine to wield, to tap into, to find the keys to access...

His still, small voice is heard in His Word, not in my ears or in my heart.

i'm learning to distinguish between law and gospel.
law convicts and condemns, and points to me and how i don't measure up.
gospel promises and fulfills, and points to the One who did so, for me.

too often it has been, 'well, yes, of course what Jesus did is sufficient, but you still have to...'
which for the longest time i didn't recognize left me feeling dazed, confused.
hopeless.

what Jesus did is sufficient, PERIOD.

i'm acutely familiar with my failings.
i need the promises of the gospel,
not the smoting of the law.
how i've failed, yet again.
how i think wrongly, as usual.
correction, correction, correction.
a bruised reed He will not despise.

its funny the extent to which things have to go, sometimes.
to lose your life to gain it.
to get out of the suffocating stranglehold in order to find air.
even kicking those you love in your desperation to gasp in a breath.

to be misunderstood... yet again.
left alone,
bleeding.

He is my Good Samaritan.
He is washing me, His enemy,
and binding my wounds.
He paid my debt.
now i can rest and heal on His bill, not mine.
without expectations on my head.

thankful for the provision of God
unexpected and overabundant:

fears of abandonment or estrangement lifted or eased
by the desire for something more.

fear of the words around bread and juice gone
leaving only a desire for His gifts, His promises
yea, even in my mouth.

to hear my own words come out of someone elses mouth
--who has been where i've been
and sees what i sees--
unbidden... i didn't have to bring it up or ask about it.
where for so long i thought i was the only one
i thought it was 'just me'.

--ever the alien--

but no, it's not just me.

for a new home to step into before stepping out of the current one.
for answers to prayer.
for an abatement of confusion
and an increase in clarity.

what looks like freedom can actually be legalism,
what looks like legalism can actually be freedom.

rediscovering my poetic voice.

muzzled

2011-11-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

feel muzzled
feel like i'm rethinking everything and cant talk about it with anybody
they just think i'm bad or disobedient or disruptive
even my T is on a bit of a different page
i don't believe like i used to
i just don't

i don't believe we have to wait with baited breath to hear from God or we miss His will
--i believe in the sufficiency of scripture and our freedom to choose knowing His Spirit is already and always working in me and through me

i don't believe in modern day apostles
--i believe the apostles and the prophets are those who penned the scriptures

i don't believe we need to usher in the subjective presence of God
--that belies the fact that He is omnipresent

i don't believe it's up to us to pray things into existance
--that belies the fact that He is omnipotent

i'm questioning the methods and motives of everything we been taught
an i don't think people is takin that too kindly

this sucks

volition

2011-10-21T21:16:00.001-07:00

from Johnathan Edwards "Freedom of the Will"

"(...) where there is absolutely no preferring or choosing, but a perfect continuing equilibrium, there is no volition."

explains why we have little volition... we have little preference.

and little preference makes choosing what decision to make very difficult.

hush, hush

2011-08-03T17:42:00.001-07:00

most disturbing

2011-08-02T12:04:00.001-07:00

extreme trigger warning: clowns, infant sacrifice

one very poor analogy.

2011-07-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

recently john piper tweeted this:

If we find God boring, we are like five-year-olds who find sex boring. The problem is not with sex.

we are to desire God with all our hearts. we cannot be compared to a 5 year old who find sex boring -- five year olds should know nothing of sex. so to imply there is a 'problem' with the five year old is to imply that a 5 year old should desire sex. there is just no correlation between our spiritual state and a five year old desiring something that God has no desire for that 5 year old to be desiring!!!!!

the poor wording is troubling. no one is perfect i know, for sure not john piper.. but what i find most troubling of all is the sheer and utter lack of response from john piper to the many people he has stirred up negatively, even triggering abuse victims. when someone kicks up a firestorm with there words, they need to address it, own it... not just stay silent. it speaks to me that he sees nothing wrong with his words, and has no apology for them. which i find shocking from someone with a kind and gentle wisdom like john piper. :(

blind

2011-06-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

i don't hold a lot of hope for my mom, because this was her attitude toward the gospel.
but who knows, her last few minutes of life....

anger

2011-06-08T00:21:00.000-07:00

i gots some major anger surfacing
yesterday we was so pissed at the kids makin off with our stuff, and smelling pot smoke all afternoon
we went for a walk
our steps pounded hard
we were so mad
our face twisted up
i can feel the sneery grimace
we should go into boxing
or kickboxing
something where we can pummel the daylights out of something
maybe we should get some clay and beat the snot out of it
i dont like anger
i think we are a bit anxious
a lot of our friends are going away at the same time
and home group is ending for the summer
summer is hot and lonely
hot so we stay indoors so we dont overheat
our meds make us prone to overheating
lonely cuz people go away
need to try to do someting so we dont shrivel up and waste away
go for long walks an pound the snot out of the pavement
and our knees ouch
its not ever been so strong a desire to cut
get some of the feelings out
a measured agression
we've never done that more than some scratches
(other than when we wrote ont he wall in the hospital)
not something i want to start
need to find ways to get this out
and without being counterproductive
and without it getting otu of hand, like yelling at the kids outside
last thing i want is to be an angry, snarling, grumpy fat bastard like my unkle
this would be a good time to have a punching bag i think
but i'm afraid if we started punching something we'd start screaming and swearing
i don't like this
i don't like this at all
if t h is is what it is to be human, it sucks
i'd almost rather be a borg
wait a minute that's what i've been all my life
time to wake up
and separate
and feel my emotions
and fight for my freedom
i'm so knotted up i could vomit right now

O_O

2011-06-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to make of life right now
i can't do much to halp anybody cuz i'm not good
theres little kids running around outside an nobody watching them
they is alone outside
and i cant do anything to help them
except bit my tong when is mad at their noises
we cant even take care of usselfs inside
our famly in side, our kids inside
never mind outside kids
our T says we is right
that just like any family our first ministry is to take care of your own famly first
and we no do such a good job
how can we take care of kids outside
when we cant take care of our inside ones

our passer said something a couple weeks ago that is bugging us
he said' if you just sit around listening to tapes all the time you cant think you are doing the work of the kingdom'
we no feel good enough
we trying to take care of us inside
and listening to stuff helps us
our first ministry IS our inside kids
but we dont even do that good e nough
we dont qualify to serve in the kingdom
am so tired
so so tired

going on a wee trip t his weekend
to a ladies retreat/conference thingy
we shouldn'[t even go cuz we so broke
we hear 'bad s tewar bad steward bad steward' over an over again
but our T says we is NOT a bad steward cuz
1. we conditioned our going on the sale of our phone, so to use the funds for something else would be inappropriate
2. it feeds our soul more than food
3. bringing our own food so the food cost should be nil (in fact 2 meals are provided)
4. its an adventure and social which we need badly
an she says the acusing is the liar an we don gotta listen to it

we sold our phone for $40 an gas is gonna be $30, so that's even $10 left over which is a better deal than when first planning the trip, so NO grocery money is going on anything but groceries

outside of this trip, we have about $28 to last the next two weeks for food.
money is an unceasing problem for us
a major part of our stress.

sometimes the group home calls when i'm feeling so crappy
all food and shelter provided, and you have about $90 spending money for the month.
but life is not that simple. my internet and cell phone is more than that.
its tenting season
maybe i could leave this place and just live in a tent
and eat nonperishable foods
and drink river water
and get beaver feaver and die of natural causes
then i'[d be home with jesus
*there ya go* passive suicidality
bah
have my period
maybe its that

most of the people around me have jobs have money have homes of their own and manage their finances alright. and can almost always afford to go for coffee with someone. and drive a car.
there must be some purpose in this

the start of this struck me tonight http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/the-works-of-god-and-the-worship-of-jesus
its never about causes, it's always about the purpose
i'm so tired
i also am so scatterbrained i missed my morning thyroid medication twise this week
and keep feeling lost in time, unsure as to what day it is, like i'm on a merry go round and can't quite keep my focus on anything cuz it keeps going round and round and round
there's probably some big holiday coming up that i can't remember in my consciousness
or moon phase

on another note, i like having only a cell phone. none of this continually getting unknown callers or out of province/country numbers several times a day. a litle more peace.
now if only those kids outside would be a little quieter
yesterday there was extra noise outside
and some unsupervised toddlers had made off with my patio ornament - ie a wagon with driftwood and rocks in it -- and were pulling it around
so i went out to get it back
and a young woman was sitting there and she looked at me like i was loco when i went over to the kids and siolently took the handle of my wagon and brough it back
i shoulda looked at her loco for -- if she was supposedly supervising -- letting kids take off with my stuff
i shoved my rotting planter in front of the doorway of the patio too
when they bring a skateboard or cart up onto my patio to get a running start down the slope is when its VERY loud
used to have a rope over the door but someone busted it

*sigh* i think i'[m going to go lay down again. itws what i been doing all day. but i'm just too tired for life right now

what's at stake....

2011-05-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

the title of this post is a pun... am gonna write about why we was away for a couple weeks.

TRIGGER WARNING.

so on may 11, a friend's birthday, her ex stopped me on the street basically said i was a vampire because i didn't age, and then said 'you better be careful or i'll track you down and put a stake in your heart' (or 'i'll have to track you down and put a stake in your heart', one or the other). this is a very intelligent, psychopathic person, so they were in no way ignorant of what they were saying or how it would be taken. (in fact, the opposite would be true-- they would deliberately couch a threat within a 'compliment', just to mess with you, and to deny it later.)

SO we went to the womens shelter and went to the police the next day (who said they couldn't do anything cuz there was no witnesses). so we stayed there for two weeks.

then we got a roommate, another 'resident' at the shelter was moved into my room to make room for a family. a few days earlier she had done 3 things in less than an hour that freaked us out, she rested her knee on my foot, touched my neck with a freezie, then rested her leg on my knee. which we dealt with the emotions that brought up and we were ok. but when she got moved into our room we immediately started having what i can only explain as flashbacks of being touched by a womens hands in the night and we just went into panic mode.

so we thought, better locked up at home with the danger outside the doors, then in bed with 'danger' across the room, inside the same doors.

and we not been doing so good since coming home. we wanted real bad to keep the routine we'd got in the house, 7:30 wake up knock, brekkie, meds, relax and read, walk around the track, lunch, relax and read, meds, dinner, dinner cleanup, tv/read/do puzzles, meds, bed anytime after 9. when done eating clean up after yourself, rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. the structure done us good.

but then coming home we start going in circles again, trying to make a coffee is an exercise in frustration, we forgot our morning meds, after going to bed early and sleeping all night we slept all day -- then slept all night again. it's much harder to stay 'present' here than it was at the shelter.... there's so much here, so much visual noise and clutter and colors and texture, WE NEED PLAIN.

but the only way we know to live, and maintain, is CHAOS.

am more desperate than ever to go minimal. having like 3 outfits at the shelter was nice (they fit the weather, anyway). now we have too many clothes (all 'needed', of course, for throughout the year).

am considering going extreme -- always been that way, after all. if making a change it works best to go all the way. am considering having one mug, one plate, one bowl, one pot, one pan, one place setting of cutlery, one... you get the idea. have lots of paper plates and plastic cutlery for company (or when i feel too icky to wash dishes). which means getting rid of three quarters of my first and only 4-place setting dish set, sob.

i can't quite go that far for clothes... (no such thing as disposable clothes for when the laundry goes unwashed, eh). but. aside from a gazillion undies and washcloths, have basically only a couple of GOOD things of each. or, say three of each. maybe one dark neutral, one light neutral, one bright/color. three structured pants, three stretchy pants, three capris, three shorts, three skirts, three tanks, three tees, three shirts, three blouses, three jackets, three pajamas (and that would mean real pjs, not the threadbare leftovers of my regular clothing -- no threadbare anythings allowed, period.)... hmm. i like that. special pieces would be ok, too. like one fancy dress for wearing to weddings or whatnot. one winter coat. that funky crochet look, full of holes 'blouse' to funk up a tank in the summer...

anyhoo. i was raised boundaryless. i need boundaries. maybe even verging-on-anal boundaries. i really don't know how to self-regulate. i really need external regulating factors in my life.

like.... a clock that 'bongs' on the hour. a dog that gets me up and out for walks at the same times each day. my old scheduler on my phone that kept me on track appointment-wise.

i think in need to lose.... my home phone. the two weeks i was gone from home, 3/4 of the calls in my call history were long-distance/out of country/unknown callers. those seriously tick me off.

kinda like the kids screaming outside like they're being murdered. and there's one baby (probably older, a toddler or preschool age kidlet) that cries this desperate cry like they are in agony. multiple times a day. you know there's something wrong with you when, when a child cries like that, you are so triggered you just want to find the parent and tell them to shut their kid the hell up, rather than worrying about the child's welfare first. how pathetic is that?

i have some friends that got a skeezy neighbour, and they are moving out until the neighbour is evicted. i wish i had that option. i have skeezy neighbours all around me, and i have to stay. i'm trapped by the phenomenal rent and my lack of income. i'm sure there is more than one dealer in the complex, and certain days it seems like pot smoke is leaking out from everywhere -- you can't walk through the complex without smelling it. there is no peace here. sometimes its quieter than others, but there is no peace. i hate it. and i feel guilty hating it. cuz it seemed like a God-thing to move in here. not to be melodramatic, but it feels like i'm dying here. lack of sunlight would do it. (curtains are closed almost 24/7 due to constant lack of privacy/foot traffic flow.)

anyways i'm going to quit writing now before the tears start to actually flow. there was talk at home group tonight about storing tears in a bottle. it takes a lot to get our tears flowing, our tear collection would be pretty scant. i wish tears didn't equate to the feeling of my heart being torn out of my chest, but it does. so i hate crying. and i don't want to cry tonight. the heart hurts bad enough right now.

when things ain't working quite right = frustration!

2011-05-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

so. i gave up on trying to keep eating wheat for a longer time (the idea was to ensure no false-negatives) and went and got the test yesterday, because the pain and discomfort was too much. as with sudden trots to the bathroom. nausea. i wonder if headaches are part of it too. bloating. did i mention pain?

if it's negative for celiac i think i'm gonna combust with frustration. one week of eating when and i deteriorate so badly in the digestion department -- and a negative result? how could it be anything but celiac? i guess wheat allergy in general. BUT. i still hope this test answers it. that feels twisted -- 'i hope it's positive for celiac!!!' ... but its the same as when i got dx'd with chronic fatigue.... finally, a place to work from... y'know?

anyhoo. today i'm kinda dizzy. and this frustrating thing is happening over and over again: i get all inspired to do something, i get up, and ten steps later forget what i was getting up to do!!!... and feel dizzy and lost and confused. so i don't know what's up. if something is going on inside to deliberately stall us. so it seems. would not be surprising, i guess. but still don't know much of what to do about it.

its like that when my friend comes over for tea and i put the kettle on. i get up to get a tea bag and wind up throwing something away instead, sitting down, and two minutes later oh shoot i haven't made my tea yet. did i turn the burner on? oops, no. i should get my tea. 5 minutes later the water boils and i'm in the bedroom finding clothes for my friend to try on. still forgot the tea bag. i come into the kitchen turn the stove off and sit down. then think about the tea bag and stand up again but wind up grabbing something from the living room instead. FRUSTRATING!!!!!!! i feel lost and like i need directions on how to get where i'm going in my own home. and an annoying sense of disorientation. always having to try to think hard to remember or keep in mind something... anything.

seriously amazed we function at all.

and now i have this seriously annoying commercial in my head.

time time ticking

2011-05-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

this song popped into my head when i thought about writing this post.... the best part of the song is about the 3:30 point. can't say i recommend the video, so...

Don Henley - Last Worthless Evening

anyways.

i saw an article or something about how kids sense of time is inaccurate, so when a parent says, you have ten minutes to play, you can say time up in two minutes and they'll never know the difference.

and that ticks me off beyond belief. a parent is the guardian of the child's learning to grow into an adult with a sense of time... and that is deliberately messing with the establishment of the child's internal clock for the parent's selfish convenience.

i told my t about that, and i obviously got aggravated even in the telling of it, and while she agrees with me completely, she finds it interesting that i have such an emotional reaction to it. i'm sure the development of my internal clock was deliberately messed with.

anyways, through more discussion we came to the conclusion that it might be a good tool for helping with my internal clock NOW to have a clock that chimes on the hour, every hour. its a passive, external indicator of time going by.... where just looking at a clock randomly and seeing random chunks of time flying by actually provides no structure or gives any regular cue of time passing in an orderly, linear fashion.

problem is, most of those kinds of clocks are pretty expensive. and i definitely need to hear it first: it can't be too loud, too bright/high pitched, or too startling. a deep, mellow 'bong... bong... bong' would be best. especially if it's preceded by some subtle mechanical sound to to help it be less startling.

if i wore a watch i could set a digital watch to beep every hour. but i can't stand anything on my wrist for very long. it would be great to find some kind of digital wall clock you can set to your choice of 'bong' sound every hour.... wonder if it exists? probably does somewhere. now to find out where... and how much.

i cannot afford to give up on me

2011-05-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

i cannot afford to give up in this fight for myself, this fight for clarity, understanding, and Truth.

but right now i am so tempted. after a confusing conflict with someone, and having reached a sad resolution, i want to give up.

my view of success and value of struggle and fight is not shared or appreciated by all.
it is oft-perceived as quarrelsome and picky, and i know this because i have been told that many times.

our natural response to that is to give in, give up, and just be and think how i'm told (have been trained) to be and think. no more struggling to find my voice, my autonomy, our right to breathe air, our right to say 'that hurt me', or to dare to say to someone, 'no, *you* are wrong'. (hmm. perhaps that is why it's so easy to tell people they were right and i was wrong... when the rest of humanity seems to find that hard to do. hmm.) trained to forever be a bottom-dweller in the tank of life. (even as you are told by the 'train-ers' that you are better smarter and more evolved than the rest of humanity, you've just been given a raw deal by the rest of the stupid, common, unintelligent world because they don't like people who are better than them. talk about a mind-f***.) *sighs*. anyways.

in our struggle to learn these things we step on a lot of toes, offend a lot of people, and are frequently misunderstood.

where most people are learning how to 'die to themselves', and be a 'living sacrifice' unto God, here i'm trying to find myself in the post-sacrifice ash heap (to a false god). and say to these dry bones, 'live'. and actually believe that's what God wants for us -- to live! and breathe! and have our being! -- in Him!!! (ie, He WANTS us to have those things -- not to take them away from us!!!)

unlike the perverted version of scripture so often levelled against us (by what i'm coming to think of as 'the loyals') -- for example: die to self, see? you have no RIGHT to a self. any sense self you have you're not allowed to have, you're just supposed to bleed into nothingness like you were taught all along, and see this verse proves it.

the bible is to us both a landmine that can blow our legs out from under us (due to those time bombs planted within), AND our only source of hope.

we are a mess. we implode, explode, combust, and word-vomit on others all the time. but i cannot afford to give up on myself. or my internal people. they are my first sphere of influence. to continue to give up on them would be just... wrong. we have to keep practicing being an autonomous human being, that can make their own decisions and have opinions. we have to! we will step on more toes, i'm sure. but we cannot give up on usselfs!!!!! even if we feel like the world would be a better place if we weren't in it.... we cannot give up on usselfs, and this FIGHT FOR LIFE!!!!!

***
after writing this i went and read some blogs. i came across this post that really encouraged me for some reason. ...i definitely relate to the ass.

*never.quit.persisting*

Hab 3 in todays langua... erm... lolspeak.

2011-05-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

Habakkuk 3
17 though teh fig tree doez not bud an thar r no grapez on teh vinez,
though teh oliv crop fails an teh fieldz produce no fud,
though thar r no sheep in da pen an no cowsies in da stalls,
18 yet im gonna rejoice in da Ceiling CAt, im gonna be joyful in ceilin cat mah savior.
19 Ceiling Cat makez mah paws like feetz of kitteh ... i meens deerz.
He letz me climz up top teh mountainz.
Oh hai deejay plz to be playz on mah instramints wit stringz KTHX.

goggie-want!

2011-05-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

i'm in goggie-want right now. i want a goggie! a friend who can cuddle us an lick our owies and take us for walks and keep us safe. some Jesus-love with fur on!!!

our T and our case manager think its a good idea, especially my T. i know people is concerned we arent ready yet, and thats ok, its a goal to work toward. we won't get one until they agree its worth trying out (being a goggie-owner). yesterday our T said an ideal dog would be a golden retreiver. they're very good with ppl like us, she said. gentle and protective and sensitive to moods n stuff.

a couple people have said they would be classified as a mid-size dog. i don't know how big they are myself. but there are people with some pretty darn big dogs in this complex, so.... :D

we love to go for walks but rarely go because we are afraid of being taken away. but if we had a good-sized dog, i bet we'd feel safer going 'on our own'. and probably feel safer living here too.

so soon i might start a volunteer job walking dogs at the pound. which would be cool. practice.

and we had our cleaning bee and the house looks great right now. just gotta work at keeping it that way. am kind of reluctant to break out my sewing stuff for fear of making a mess, but we really need to sew some clothes.

and since we been eating wheat we are hungry all the time, and sluggish, and in the bathroom A LOT.

but i'm a bit sad i don't have a spouse to share my plenteous dutch ovens with. hee hee.

forgettable

2011-05-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

ride for a seminar never showed up. it's already started. why am i so forgettable?

i'm forgettable, in every way

now i'm up and dressed for no reason

i'm an emotional wreck today

i've been misjudged the last three days or so, can't stop crying because it hurts. it comes in waves. past and present hurt. ...and now been forgotten. again.

low day, today.

GOGGIE!!!!!!

2011-05-03T22:04:00.001-07:00

where did the last week go?

2011-04-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

its a blur.

i saw the dr yesterday and he said to start eating wheat, so we been eating wheat. this afternoon we have itchy spots and blotches on the face.

thursday we hit our head on a minivan roof. the doc said it's ok. but we still like the ice pack on our head.

feel gross today. just laid in bed most of the day. headachey. got nothing done. going to bed early. gotta be up early tomorrow. just had to double check that it was saturday. *sighs*

alone in a crowd

2011-04-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

we relate somehow

witnesses to the truth

2011-04-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

this just hit us personally, like a ton of bricks.

"They just witness, that's what they do. And witnesses have to be just believed or not. You can't PROVE history -- it's not like math, 2+2=4 -- you can't PROVE history, you just hear witnesses and then decide, 'ok, is there good reason to embrace this or isn't there?'... And that's where you all are, you're on the brink of that decision." -- John Piper

--from http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/you-will-know-the-truth-and-the-truth-will-set-you-free

wonderfully 'normal' things!

2011-04-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

so the last couple of days have been shopping days, expensive days. but despite that, everything i got was for a really good price. i got a new two-handset cordless phone *with answering machine!* for half the price of the one it's replacing (which doesn't have an answering machine)... how does that happen??? -- God!

the second handset of my phone pretty much officially quit today, so i *had* to go buy a phone. i'd been waiting for a good sale, to no avail. i picked one out, which wasn't quite what i wanted but the absolute max i would spend... but then out of the blue a store clerk came over and said there were some on sale at the back... where i found my dream machine for only two bucks more!!!

i also realized my futile attempts to get my papers in some semblance is chronically hindered by my lack of a 3 hold punch. so i finally caved and bought one yesterday. it wasn't on sale, but it was still cheaper than the last 3 hole punch i bought about 15 years ago, and smaller and lighter, with less poky corners to owie on. how does that happen? -- probably cheap imports, haha. already got some papers in their requisite binders... *yays*~!!!

i had to get some more protein powder which is never cheap so i got some, end of story, not on sale (boo hoo).

at the good friday service yesterday we had communion (yes this is still about shopping!) and i just did it, i ate a piece of bread. welllllll.... i have a bit of a rash on my face, and... uh.... may be too much information for ya... but ...my poo is like glue and sandpaper combined. with a bit o blood. talk about butt-burn!!! ......SO, i travelled around the baby aisle and read ingredients lists galore and God was good i didn't have an asthma attack from all the scented products around me, AND i finally found some 1. UNSCENTED, 2. NON-CHEMICAL diaper cream... 3. ON SALE. hows that for a triple whammy gift from God in a time of need? He is faithful.

and at the same time found some non-petroleum jelly which i got as a lotion for my dry skin (my friend had said my legs were so pale! and i pointed out to her that it was actually dry skin flakes.... lol).... and scored a three pack of unscented non-chemically bar soaps!!! and they were on sale too!!! its like a triple-triple whammy gift from God. i got all three products for about the same price as the organic hand lotion i usually buy (but for some reason can't find in my house...)...!!!!!!!! (why is organic/unscented/non-chemically stuff typically so expensive, anyway? *sighs*)

a boo hoo earlier today was i was finally going to go buy the ironing board i had my eye on for about 6 months (i finally had my rolling cart with me) -- to replace my old one which i sold to a friend with the intention of getting a more functional one... i remember it being 29.99, but today it was 49.99/25% off. even with the discount its more than i was prepared to spend -- which equals an automatic veto on the purchase. rats. so i'm still sans ironing board. i do know there is one at wally world that would be good (just minus the chrome iron holder) for $30, but it will have to wait for another month, seeing as how i had to get a phone and the baby products this evening. who knows, maybe next month the one i've been looking at will still be for sale (it is the last one) and will be, oh, 50% off.... or even 70% off. hehe. God can do it, if it pleases Him...

.... i am determined to get my table cleared off, set up my sewing machine on it, and sew some pants and stuff. *free* clothes, eh? can't beat that. ... i just will have to spread out towels and struggle to iron on the table on towels... which believe me is frustrating because the towels shift. (the cheap ironing board i had was too narrow for ironing large swaths of fabric... so i need a wider one... ergo higher cost.)

... i need a bistro style table... a little wee table JUST for eating. i'll keep a permanently set up place setting on it. my nutritionist says i need a permanent food eating station away from my big multipurpose clutter collecting table. please God, bring me a freebie?

i also got some stickers (cheap!) to put on the calender. every evening we will gather together and put a sticker on the calender for the end of the day. this is hopefully to help the system all keep track of the days better. the stickers will draw attention to all the younger parts, and doing it intentionally 'all together' i'm hoping will help us know better where we're at in the week.

got some bulk wrapped tuna for a good price, and stocked up on those cheap rice noodles that are so easy to make. got some plastic forks to try to control the speed at which dirty dishes stockpile. why does PURE cocoa powder have to be so expensive? why does the cheap stuff have other ingredients in it? arrg.

walked lots the last two days, thinking about walking to church in the morning, BUT i got blisters forming, might not be the best idea. SO i'll have to figure out a way to get to church in the morning.

REALLY must get on with getting dx'd for gluten intolerance.... if it's positive, i can get an extra $40-50 bucks a month to help offset the cost. that's a can-and-a-half of protein powder.....

a couple of weeks ago there was a cast iron blanket holder at save-on for only $30. typically in the sears catalogue they're over $100. i need something besides my headboard and doorknobs to hang my worn-but-not-dirty clothing, but like many things, it's not quite 'essential' enough, and it will likely be gone before i can talk myself into spending the money on it. so almost assuredly not this month. ....which is the same thing i've been saying for probably....5, 6 years. but if it happens to drop down to $20, i might just get it with my groceries. maybe.

sometimes this continual 'doing without' is wearisome.

i definitely need to buy a couple of bins to store my off season clothes in -- my worker's suggestion as we're heading into a cleaning bee of my house in a week or so. maybe then all my clothes will actually *fit* in my dresser and closet...... which would be about $15, which while not a lot, given the necessary expenditures i've had, is alot. (and i do NOT want to reuse any of the old bins that 1. my mom purchased, 2. have been in questionable environs (risking possible bug/mold contamination), thus 3. i play to toss whenever i finally get them out of the storage area and emptied.......

......

oooook, i think i'm finally done this all-about-nothin' confessional. running out of things to talk about. just little things that have excited me or bummed me out a bit. but all wonderfully NORMAL things. and God continually proving Himself faithful to take care of me. thanks, God.

oh, ps. my computer fan is grinding alot and probably needs replacing soon. if it quits and i don't replace it, my comp will probably overheat and die. = stress and $$$. seeing as how already my comp is running quite slow and probably needs servicing (and making sure there's no nasty bug causing it) = $$$.... *and* i'm feeling the anxiety to get an external hard drive to back up my files (particularly my collages) in case it *does* die... = $$$...

and add the stress of knowing i really need to see a dentist = $$$, and get a new cpap mask and probably a new tank = BIG $$$, FRIG i hate lacking money sometimes. oh, and i REALLY need sunglasses to fit on my glasses because the sunlight KILLS my eyes... = $$$. ok, now i need to take a chill pill and go to bed. and happily forget all the things i need to do/buy. which is exactly why things have been put off so long already. RAAARRRGGGGGG.

creepers

2011-04-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

first was a twitchy middle aged guy at the grocery store who was trying too hard to interact with me, persistantly trying to make conversation, among other things he asked me if i liked the weather and i kinda nodded, u-huh, and he said, 'i thought you'd like that' or 'i thought you'd say that', as though he was familiar with me, creeper.

about a half hour later, at home, i heard a knock on my BACK door. now, my back door is off my patio, and i have a string tied off across the patio entrance. so he had to cross the strings. i pushed my curtain aside, and he said, 'oh i have the wrong place, this isn't the same as upstairs?' i shook my head and he waved and walked away and i closed the curtain. he had wild grey hair and a walking stick, like some kind of wild pagan medicine man or something. i heard my upstairs neighbour tromping down the stairs a short while later. seemed legit enough, but still, to cross over the barrier to my patio.... creeper.

left us feeling creepy.

creepers.

country life, our country

2011-04-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

this is what 'country life' means for us, where we live and growing up here. can't relate to rodeos and farming... it's mountains and beavers and moosies and bogs and more mountains... bike riding and mucking around in boots. that's country life, 'our country' style.

MY 'country style' by Vague featuring a beaded cardigan

'now what have i done?'

2011-04-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

1 Samuel 17:26 David asked the men standing near him, “What will be done for the man who kills this Philistine and removes this disgrace from Israel? Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?” 27 They repeated to him what they had been saying and told him, “This is what will be done for the man who kills him.”

28 When Eliab, David’s oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he burned with anger at him and asked, “Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the desert? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.”

29“Now what have I done?” said David. “Can’t I even speak?”

when this was read at the conference this weekend, when it got to david saying 'now what have i done?' it felt like a giant gulf of grief opened up in us.

***

i wonder what's wrong with us. why this weekends conference wasn't so stupendously awesome and filling for us as it seems like for everyone else.

mostly left with feelings of inadequacy.... specifically inadequacy before God.... when in actual fact i have been made adequate before Him by the merit of Christ's righteousness. over and over again it was stated 'it's not about doing!' and yet over and over again i heard to get our head out of our own lives and into serving. which then feels like our daily battle to just LIVE before Him, to keep fighting and taking another breath and not giving up... is paltry. the fight of my life isn't enough. i think that statement captures the primary message i got this weekend. this fight for my life to live before Him isn't enough. do more. do better. bigger, better, stronger, higher.

trying to keep it in my head that the speaker wasn't intending those messages. but that's the primary undertone of what the unspoken message was. and yet other people thought it was just so encouraging and fill-upping. what's wrong with us? now what have i done? now what have i failed to do?

pull up yon bootstraps, missy. *pat shoulders* you think you're doing your best but you're just pathetic. *pat pat* so pull up your bootstraps and get on with it. *kind smile* whip, whip. *pat pat*

FRIG that twisted mix of kindness and cruelty....

***
edit: just want to clarify that i don't believe the speakers were deliberately speaking bad things, or that there was necessarily WRONG with what they said -- there was tons and tons of good stuff, i know.... it's that people all hear things differently, through their own filters, and i KNOW my FILTERS are WHACK. not that the filters ARE ME.... they are the lens i see through. so it's not ME that's WHACK. which is the condemnation we fight against so much of the time that I/ME/WE are whack. which is not what God's word says.

so much of the time to people it's 'just semantics'... but just the way a word is used can drastically change the meaning or interpretation... and can thus be crucial to understanding. and part of our fight for freedom is to unlock those semantics that change meaning so drastically. which means... we're always wresting with semantics lol

ps. regarding the getting our heads out of our own lives and into serving... one of the things mentioned was that we are ALL leaders in our given sphere of influence. and it just so happens that other than our church family, our primary sphere of influence happens to be all those people inside that i/we are responsible for who need the freedom God brings. they are not LESS than any outside person, that i should prefer and outside person to an inside person. i'm to prefer others before myself. that includes inside people... part of their healing is showing them care and tenderness and to do what needs to be done to faciliate their healing before my own needs. just as i am called to do that to outside people. it's that line that monominds have a hard time grasping between me/not me. we, us, yes; me, myself, i, no. i constitute, a fraction of this grouping of persons called Vague, for example, 1/10th of the group. i am to care for the other 9/10ths of the group just as i am an outside person. i am NOT to shove them in a box, ignore them, neglect them, in order to serve others, any more than any person in ministry is allowed to ignore, neglect or box away their own children in order to do their external ministry. you must take good care of your own house and family first before you are qualified to minister in any formal way externally, right? it's the same principle here. our house and family is our first ministry calling. at t his point most everyone is still packed away in their own cubbyholes, ignored, denied, and rejected. and that should not be. and just when we work to change that, of course the enemy is going to come in like a flood and try to tell us to neglect usselfs that only outside serving is valid in God's eyes. which is a lie.

mousie

2011-04-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

mousie by Vague on Polyvore.com

***
april 18th 2011
the mouse in the petri dish with a 'human' ear really says something. always listen, always take in... but never put forth, never speak out.... just whisper. and yes, that is a dead mouse above the whisper.

and the little girl just sucking on her toe quietly is a perfect image for 'mousie'... we learned early to occupy ourselves and stay quiet. even to the point of our breathing being imperceptible.

message

2011-04-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

found a message on my fridge. we have a set of magnetic poetry stuck on the fridge but always just forget about it. well today i happened to glance at the fridge and there were words there i don't have any recall of putting together, and it would be awfully strange for a friend to do it without telling me, so it's just plain weird.

why loud must whisper

i'm a multiple, so why should i be surprised...????

and yet, i am.

but then, i've been asking God for some proof to counteract my denial, y'know?

and yet i automatically want to write it off as some kind of aberrant coincidence. arrrgh.

it's not like they could have just randomly slid there, y'know? they are down below all the other letters. and hello, it's coherent. and meaningful... i think.

--just had the thought pop into mind, 'maybe mousie put it there'. aaahh. that would definitely be meaningful if we have a part named mousie, because part of our job as a kid was to stay quiet behind the couch, like a mouse. no no, mousie. like a mousie.

silence of God

2011-04-16T21:06:00.001-07:00

urges

2011-04-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

we are not currently feeling any urges like this, so don't worry, but we have in the past and so thought it was appropriate to share

***extreme trigger warning***

because i think people think this is one-off wacko, and i don't think it is. i think most people are able to self-preserve and not act on it, but i think the urges can be there.

see we just read this article about a guy who cut off his finger and had it for dinner.

and not that we've had the urge to EAT (i dont think!), we have had the urges to cut off fingers and such.

ACTUALLY only a couple days ago it was so strong for a short period we actually had the thought if we just DID it (i can even see the method in my head we saw then, ugh).... then we'd have no more fingers to cut off THEREFORE we could have no more urges to cut off the fingers.... make sense? self-preservation in it's own way. thankfully our pills kicked in and either we went to sleep or it eased off.

but all this to say, IT HAPPENS. as terrifying is it is to THINK about losing a finger or hand in an accident..... *ugh*..... it's even more distressing when you have the thoughts, feelings, and urges to DO IT YOURSELF. DIY amputation. the next DIY craze? lol. and it's even scarier when it feels like a valid option in some logical way....

maybe it would actually be therapeutic to do taxidermy.... get it out on something that's already dead. and you're actually not doing something harm but making something beautiful (in some people's eyes, at least).

so anyways, i wonder how many people -- how many christians, even -- will mock this man for his seeming stupidity and craziness, and just write him off as a hopeless wacko, the butt of every joke for the next six months.... instead of actually sitting down and thinking what could drive him to do this, what kind of pain and darkness.... and feeling some real sympathy (or even empathy) for this man.... this man we are called to love?

from march 2009:

our T

2011-04-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

our T is great. we love her. and she has let us know in no uncertain terms that we are not 'just another client' to her. she works closely with my support people. she helps me understand that it's not important to factually validate things, but to realize that -- whatever happened -- our memory of it, our experience of it, how it has affected us long term, is what we need to deal with. (and it's amazing all the little validations that come when we're NOT fixated on looking for them.) she is a reality check and frequent sorter-outer of misperceptions and misunderstandings. she gets us and knows how to speak to us so we get things, too. she reorients us toward Jesus over and over again. we are forever grateful to our friend who recommended her to our pastor for us, and forever grateful for the gift from God she is in our life.

always our fault

2011-04-15T23:33:00.000-07:00

arrrgh, more thoughts tonight.

the modus operendi has always been absorbing anger, frustration, guilt.... and looking to ourself.

like, no matter what goes wrong, somehow i always just come round to accepting that it is somehow because or dependent upon ME.

i guess it comes up because we feel that whole "just swallow it" with our frustration tonight about our ride forgetting us. i think there's a healthy way to set our hurt aside and walk in forgiveness and 'absorb' the sin and keep going. and that's relatively easy to do tonight with the whole missed ride thing.

but what's not good is the whole 'swallow it, it's all about ME' reaction.... it's a defense mechanism i know.... when mom did me wrong and wouldn't admit it and kept deflecting "responsibility" on to me.... and there was nothing i could to do right that wrong.... you learn to swallow it. you learn to agree that "it must be ME" that's the problem.

in all things..... "it must be something about me" that causes the problems.

well, we are learning that it's not always ME. other people DO and HAVE DONE wrong things to us that were blame shifted to ME. i WANT to take appropriate, healthy responsibility for myself and my system. BUT I"LL BE DAMNED if i'm going to take responsibility - blame - for something that is NOT ours to bear. and least that's what we're trying to do. telling the two apart is so muddled and muddied for us it's sometimes hard to know which is which.

in our struggle to REFUSE the shoulder the blame, responsibility, causality for things that were NOT ours to bear, it often looks to others as though we are trying to have no responsibility for anything.

when in actuality we feel responsible for EVERYTHING.

anyhoo.

an example that is our most common example, symbolic or representative of so much for our.... the salt n pepper shakers deal with mom.

you know what? i can't do it right now. it's too overwhelming. her stifling invasion and control of every detail of our world, then shifted to us that we're being unreasonable and irrational and our complaints are invalid, and again and again swallowing the pain and frustration and to survive just having to accept that yes, she's right, it's must be somehow our fault, she's innocent and we're just... wrong...... it's like a hole just ripped open in me of grief and it's terrifying and i'm just going to stop writing and take our night meds and go to bed.

moons, so many moons

2011-04-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

we just had a new moon. now a full moon is like three days away. it's like they just keep coming, one after another. it's like a sense of inevitability, that that THING is always going to be there, it's never going to stop comin' round, you can never, ever get away from it. it's hard to try to focus on the fact that it's JESUS CHRIST who created all things, for Himself..... not for darkness. ...but it just keeps coming, like one dark wave after another. nothing specific stands out about it -- it's vague, just more and more dark buffetting, harder to stay aftloat, harder to catch a full breath and recover after every wave...

even as i type this i don't know where it's coming from.... this waxing poetic hasn't been around much for quite some time. possibly since we were first diagnosed, and was in major crisis mode, 12 years ago. which is interesting.... because it hasn't been since that time that we've felt the need for almost continuous PRN medications.... then it was sublingual ativan.... now it's low dose seroquel. i wonder if the two are connected.

i'll wonder if they're not.

back then, we waxed poetic in steno books. maybe tomorrow we'll go buy one just for that.... waxing poetic. the tall, narrow columns always seemed to 'fit' better than a regular notebook. we're supposed to be working on improving internal communication. just that thought alone brings apprehension: because it can feel like a bomb went off and all of a sudden everything is everywhere and it's a mess. a yucky, gross, MESSY mess. but i guess you have to open the box and dump all the pieces out in order to see them and put the puzzle together. chaos comes before order.

....man, that's true about housecleaning, too....

i'm forgettable

2011-04-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

i'm forgettable by Vague on Polyvore.com

i'm forgettable
in every way
i'm forgettable
that's what they say

***
they apologized profusely, and we totally forgive them. ....we're just left with this lingering sense of.... forgettability. like our existence is just in theory, a nice idea easily forgotten.

before we were only forgotten until they got to the church, then they remembered and came back for us. this time they got there, and went through the WHOLE practice before they remembered. HOW are we SO EASILY left behind, our presence un-missed?

***
but when we was at church God sayed to us He didn forgets us.

but we still fels alone an needs a hug. an nobody here to give us hug cuz we alone :'(

***
it's also highlighting for us our intense NEED to NEVER keep anyone waiting. intense to the point of redonkulous.

that was the main point in making this collage, to explore that facet of it. but right now just too tired to think beyond this. maybe try again tomorrow. for now... go to bed and just rest in the fact that Jesus will never ever ever forget us.

she reminds me of us

2011-04-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

there's something about her that reminds me of us
the way her gaze doesn't settle for long on one spot... the way her emotions seem to come out in body language, how she looks left and right as she's thinking out loud.... her random use of accents and poses..... yeah.

this is what i remember her from...

what's up?

2011-04-15T13:13:00.001-07:00

what's up? by Vague on Polyvore.com

bellissima

2011-04-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

just for fun, got 'tagged' on polyvore.
black and white diva contest, but i decided we didn't want to enter it in the contest
we don't like all kinds of people just looking at our pictures cuz they're pretty, we like to keep our pictures within the circle of our art therapy polyvore buds. we feel safer that way.
anyways, we chose montserrat caballe because she has the most beautiful voice ever.

bellissima by Vague

if we ever had a broken dream, it was to be an opera singer.
there is nothing like 'emoting' by singing it out
and no music is as emotive as opera
but our friend deb once said God will give us a way to use it :)
waiting for that day
even if it's not until heaven :)

haha! shopping spree!

2011-04-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

haha! we went on a totally controlled shopping spree!!! we just had had had to get out of the house and wander around and stare at something different and zone out in a different environment for a change! but haha! it felts like a naughty shopping spree!!! lol

here's what we got --

a sudoku puzzle book, 3.79
some strong magnets the papers that keep falling off the fridge needed, 1.97
some jelly belly's, cuz we wanted to have something in the purse for pick me up on sundays etc and it was the only thing we could find that was gluten free, i think they was 2.97 or something
a new pillow for our bed, 3.97
and our one totally frivolous spend, but someone's heart got caughted by them... some shiny robot stickers. 1.99

so it all came to under 16 bucks and was stuff we had in mind to get anyways (cept the stickers)

now we just have to refrain from sticking robots on everything

i think we wandered for almost two hours. that's pretty fun and relaxing.

(we was digging through the cheap dvds hoping to find domino, but nope. if they had it for under 10$ we might have got it. its for one of the kickass innerds. ha.)

now we need to go has a nap. pooped.

***
haha just thought i'd add the trailer for the movie. totally want to get it even more~!!!

memory lane

2011-04-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

so lately collages have been more for relaxation than processing. i guess. although i wouldn't doubt some are still full of symbolism, like this.

have been taking a sedating medication throughout the day to help the adrenalin stay down. down boy. bad doggie.

today went with a friend to collect pussy willows and some other budding branches to decorate the church with. had some asthma in the car, probably from the pollen. the branches are pretty. i hope they last for the conference next weekend.

fly away, beauty

2011-04-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

breathe -- mother of pearl

2011-04-09T13:00:00.001-07:00

whatta day -- why so jumpy?

2011-04-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

today every noise has had us jumping!!! the phone can ring and i'll jump out of my skin. but it's gotten a bit better this evening... but not totally. when the body is amped up, adrenalin on alert all stinkin' day long.... it's so draining.

my worker helped me clean off my table in large part. was so exhausted, i could barely think enough to sort scrap papers....

completely out of protein powder, i made us walk to the store for a few grocies. (i like that spelling, grocies :) ) by the time i was in the line up with my little basket of foodstuffs, felt like i was gonna fall over. and still had to walk home.

just a limp, wet dishrag today. had some worse abdomi cramping today, that may be partly why. also got very itchy for a while. half my face was red, too.

i spose i could possibly maybe be pms'n too....

have a yen to sew some clothes.... feeling the pinch with how many of my clothes be fallin apart... but feel SO BLEH. right now our priority is a friend's set of roman blinds. i SO want to get that done for her. praying i'll have the oomph to get them done on time. probably going to her house tomorrow to work on them. so clothes will have to wait a week or two.

my friend made some killer delicious zuchinni and carrots when i was over for dinner earlier this week.... makes me want veggies. well, those veggies in particular, anyways. if i can get my dishes done maybe i'll pull out some frozen veggies and see what i can do.... haven't used my cast iron pan in a while... will have to run hot water to melt the dust off the oiled finish... lol.

we heart sudoku

2011-04-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

we <3 sudoku by Vague on Polyvore.com

what could i do....

2011-04-06T23:10:00.000-07:00

to be happy in this place?
to make this hole a home?

my friend today she said despite all the bad things that have happened here, God made a way for us to get here, and has removed some major issues for us.

i grant there has been less partying with the new landlord, but it could be because it's winter too. right now my neighbor above me has her tv on and its just this annoying mrrrr mrrrrrr mrr mrrrrrrr mrrrrrr coming through the ceiling. *that* is one of the sounds that drives me nuts. sometimes it goes late into the night. and she had the nerve to complain once about my bathroom fan.... *rolls eyes*

i have two carpets i plan to put up on my bedroom wall as some sound buffer from my other neighbour who sometimes has their tv/music going when i'm trying to nap. and sometimes they are on their patio visiting and laughing until the wee hours in the summer.

but i don't know to block out the sound of the playground that's about 20 feet from my bedroom window. and the noise of the roaming teenage mob, or the pre-teens and their blasted cap guns.

i think these things stress me out even more than they would for some people because i would die a thousand deaths to know i was disturbing a neighbour with my carelessness.... but nobody cares about us. at least that's how it feels. it's kind of like when i was a kid all over again. don't you dare make a peep and disturb me.... but pfft, i don't give a damn about what YOU need, you little p o s. *sighs*

i was thinking today that i could get that window privacy film that you can put on bathroom windows and the like.... would let in light but be totally private during the day, far more so than sheers would be. then maybe we could actually open the curtains for natural light and some vitamin D. when i say we live in a hole, i mean a hole.... for that reason. no natural light except what little filters through the curtains or pours through cracks when the sun's full on. the only problems i see with the window film is 1. mildew behind or around the plastic, 2. offgassing from the plastics, 3. not being able to surreptitiously look *OUT* if i need to -- that could be a safety issue.

the disgusting smoke stained linoleum is.... disgusting. it reminds me of growing up in a house full of smokers.... like i need more memories popping in out of the blue?

i've felt on the verge of tears all evening.

i know of people who are out looking for missing loved ones. someone commented that it makes their own problems 'pale in comparison'. and i want to cry even more because that speaks of a life that has a level of naivite and happiness that such things serve to remind them of how good they have it. but i cannot say the same thing for myself. our life..... yeah. not to deny their struggles.... but theirs seem awfully pale next to what we've lived with... (and i'm referring to those with a missing loved one, not the seemingly 'happy naivete'.)

lately am just so tired of trying to make things work. i feel so much like i just want "out". life is so hard. i'm not suicidal right now -- just very very tired, and very sad. and wishing it was just God's timing for us and He naturally took us home, our job on this earth done, and finally finally finally cease from all labours. i so struggle to find the balance of 'cease striving' and 'fighting the good fight'. i labour to enter into His rest, but.... *sighs* i don't feel a lot of rest. don't try so hard. try harder! damn i'm crying again.

people think i'm a clutterbug.... that i "like" stuff. which is a natural conclusion based on what my house looks like. but that's a perspective driven by the free-mind mentality that 'you must do it because you like it'. but i am not free-minded, but bound. controlled. i really believe we'd be able to "breathe" if we were minimalistic. but we have mom in the back of our head giving us hell every time we try to get rid of something, or we try to arrange things in such a way as serves *us*. i'm almost inclined to think her voice is not just a memory, or even a program, but her evil soul hanging around to haunt me. although i don't believe in ghosts, which means it would be demonic. oh joy.

i have no joie de vivre. joy in God, deep in my spirit, yes..... but joy in life, in living, no.

my task from my T is to try to learn who *we* are. which sets off a clamor inside of peeps wanting to self identify, which often results in shopping, which often results in financial difficulty.

on consideration right now, is buying the united states of tara season two. which we will probably postpone buying until it's no longer available at wally world. which we will regret. unless someone takes over and buys it anyways, which they are not currently allowed to do. we are too broke. we need to buy protein powder and baby wipes. and pay our bills. and pay our money for a conference (only $10, but still). and hopefully have enough money for groceries the rest of the month. we've been blessed by some friends, and got a rebate from the phone company, so i'm hoping we'll wind up with more in the bank than we think..... but then what?

OH. and our brain is dying. .... which means our cell phone is totally giving up the ghost. the scheduler app has long since died (and our daily rhythm has definitely been affected by the loss of it's time-keeping and memory of events).... the battery has started shutting off randomly. and now it seems it's not ringing for phone calls -- i've strangely missed some calls that were within earshot -- which reduces its effectiveness as a safety device. (meaning if we go off roaming, we can't be contacted by our friends. i don't know if the gps locator thing works any more either. but it wouldn't anyways if the battery went off randomly anyways.) ie, for safety purposes, it's near useless now. which means we need to get a new phone. and the stress of figuring that one out feels like yet another straw on the camels back....

i wish i could just 'pull up my bootstraps' and get on with life. but the feeling that comes to my mind is like a person being whipped and yelled at PULL UP YOUR BOOTSTRAPS GET ON WITH IT STOP WHINING but its coming at you so hard and heavy you're just reeling and falling to the floor and trying to get away from the whip..... how can you sit calmly and pull on your shoes and sort out your day while that's coming at you?

please forgive any typos.... i'm not going back to review, i'm tired, the vacuum of sleep is calling me. it is what it is.

bzzzzzt

2011-04-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

responsibility - breakthrough!

2011-04-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

we figured out why it has always been so confusing for us when people in one breath say they know *i* didn't do something but then tell me i have to take responsibility for what happened. we only had one definition for responsibility. when T read out the other definition we were wowed.

done for T

2011-04-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

asked the question what do we need to tell T about what's been going on lately inside and this is what we got.

where is home?

2011-04-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

our case manager thinks it would be good to try to get into the new seniors/disability complex in town, and get out of the noisy playground kids screaming family-oriented high foot traffic no privacy no sunlight hermit hole i'm in right now.

its both exciting and stressful.
exciting because due to various factors we feel stifled and stuck here.
stressful because we been trying so hard to be happy here and to not move again.
we moved so many times our friends said NO MORE MOVING FOR YOU!!!
i dont think it was meant as a RULE
but we still take it as one
feel like if we do they wont like us anymore
an we be alone
and now we crying
an its stupid cuz on one level we *know* -- or some of us know, i guess -- that its probably not like that.... but there such a strong component or proportion of us that are soooooo stinkin' black or white the prospect of moving and brakeing that rule makes them want to self destruct...

a quote from our big orange book that helps us understand this (we read it in the hospital):

"Some of the most insistent suicidal impulses may come from maintainer alters whose job has been to maintain loyalty to violators. .... Many suicidal alters are exclusive, all or nothing, black and white thinkers. ... Seemingly destructive actions are motivated by a will to survive. ... Cult-abused children may be taught to think in terms of total obedience or self-destruction." (emphasis mine) -- Safe Passage to Healing, by Chrystine Oksana, pages 200-201. (best book eva, get it applies to you, i recommend it!!!

so the drive to self destruct is to enforce absolute perfect obedience of the rules, which is actually understood as the only way to SURVIVE. .....and anything told us by someone in authority tends to be absorbed as rules. even when they are not intended that way!!! (...and especially if it serves to maintain the status quo internally.)

its the mob mentality. if you have 100 people (not unreasonable for us) and a whole whopping 20 of them understand something as NOT a rule, ....but 80 percieve it as a hard and fast rule, with the goal of perfect obedience or self-destruction period, .....it makes things hard inside. (understatement). so much conflicting feelings that THINKING doesn't affect.... i think because those who would want to maintain the rulez probably can't even HEAR the rational thoughts that come against their rulez because of their filters. *sigh*

TRIGGER WARN

even right now we feel like.....we should .... do something like cut our head off, or bash off the top of our head. probably 1. because we are trying to understand what's going on (which is against the rulez), and 2. because we are trying to understand whats going on!!!!! which is against the rulez!!! which means 3. we are not being perfectly obedient... therefore we are to self destruct!!!!! (make sense?)

we really need to go see our T. we really scairt to go alone, cuz if we get totally triggered and self-destructive it would not be good to be alone. don't see how it could be done alone, really. sigh.

sometimes think it would be better to just give up trying to understand and be sane, walk around in a medicated half-alive fog and deny the whole thing.

*crying agian* so tired of the fight

but i think giving up wouldnt feel any better than the fight. :'(

faceless

2011-04-03T22:33:00.001-07:00

things we love!!!

2011-04-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

we're learning....

2011-04-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

three days in

2011-04-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

and now i'm out!
out of the hospital, that is
my doc wanted me in a safe place for a rest
so we went.
it IS helpful to have minimum things to think or worry about
relieves a lot of strain.

'course now i have to catch up on a few things
a pot on my counter with weird things happening in it
a sink full of water that's been sitting soaking utensils for 4-5 days now....
have to get my blister pack (meds) on monday since missed getting them on thursday...
get some groceries (but friends helped with that tonight and treated us to some staples! we have awesome friends!!)
biggest change ya get used to in the hospital and have to readjust when you get out -- having to remember to eat!!! (no trollys rollin' in three times a day to get your attention... or (what seems to me with my bare cupboards) COPIOUS amounts of snack foods to whet your appetite.....)

.... which brings me to another issue.... had to have foods with gluten in them the first two days... and we got a bad rash on the face!!!!! this speaks more and more, over time, like we might be celiac. the nutritionist we saw inpatient thinks it sounds like it.... we see her again next week so hopefully we'll find out more.

ANYHOO.... the night before going inpatient we took about 6 times our usual dose of our sleeping pill.... NOT enough to harm -- and some of us knew it, but some of the suicidal ones maybe didn't, so it may have satiated their need to obey the rules to self-harm -- but mainly we wanted to shut the brain down ASAP so we wouldn't go roaming in the middle of the night and end up who knows where. cuz the drive to do that was strong. so we took every sleeping pill we could find (which was only about 6 times our usual dose).

now here's to hoping that 'consciously' we were asleep, and other parts didn't take us elsewhere after all and we don't know it. *sighs*

so it feels safer in the hospital, cuz no one can just 'leave' when they want to. BUT that's not really true; cuz once, other parts took control and they dragged a heavy bench (read: noisy) to the high (8ft?) fence and got our almost 300lb body over the fence and ran barefoot through the woods IN THE DARK to go follow orders and get it on with someone until a little managed to hide in their closet and demand our pastor be called, and he took us back to the hospital and THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GONE. bah. and we tried to run away agin until he said he'd see us safely tucked in, and big shock (probably but he didn' show it) when our pastor saw the writing on the wall we did in blood before we left. YEAH. REAL SAFE IN THERE. bah

all this from a 'good christian girl'.

and all the leaders in her church know all about this stuff, and love her anyways, and let her do things like be on the worship team anyways.

go figure.

love is a funny thing.

it's so..... NEW.... for us.......

it's a bowl-us-over, over and over again, ('where's the catch?' too good to be true?) kind of revelation for us. over and over again.

over and over again over 12 years. and counting. :)

subtlety

2011-03-28T21:52:00.001-07:00

in your own skin

2011-03-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

like this. would like to be able to look nice and be usselfs. like really us in our own skin. hopefully one day.

haha toady

2011-03-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

this is the most amazing toady
it grows its skin over the eggs
an then they hatch n grow in their little pockets
then they come out
the first one as a tadpole
the second one as a little froggy
mama toady carries her babies in her back instead of her tummy
an then gives birth to them all at once

an hahaha this video uses sound effects and creepy tones to make it look like something out of a horror movie
it makes us laugh an laugh
an its so beautiful how God made this toady
its called a surinam toad, or pipa pipa, i think

random video

2011-03-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

randomly (and i mean randomly!!!) came across this odd asian video and clicked on it at watched it and was struck by some of the visuals that echo whats in some of our collaging. huh. no idea who it is, or what language.

did some digging. oh my. it's this guy.

safe again

2011-03-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

that's the title of the collage. we are safe again, i think, for now.

we were being seriously being punished. we were supposed to die. but our T broke it with one prayer, breaking the programming cycle.

and now we feel pretty much back to... our 'normal'.

all that for having a bath. why? because we were not allowed to have a bath. that's why they make it so hard to have one. we are supposed to wither away and be unloveable and isolated. that's what they want. but we HAD one... and that made them seriously mad.

our T told the loyals (if there are any) that they were lied to when they were told they would keep living even if the body was dead. evil was lying to them. and that if they killed the body, then would answer to God for it.

thank you Jesus for our T. she knows programming an C-PTSD inside n out. AND the spiritual stuff. she really does rock. :)

****

also thank you Jesus for my friend D that got us through last night. she talked and prayed an sang with a little and then more littles for like an hour an helped back the darkness away an helped us take our meds an settle down safe n sound into bed. we love her so much!!!!

beautiful the mess we are

2011-03-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

?!

2011-03-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

you dare use the phone you little piece of shit
think you're gonna get any help
you're gonna die you mo'f'ing useless piece of crap

***

'i life my eyes up
to the mountains
to where my help comes from
my help comes from You
maker of heaven
creator of the earth
o how i need you Lord
come an rescue me
come an give me life'

***

fee sad sory sory we let them swers on here we bad sorry not a good girl so sory

help

2011-03-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

this is where she is at right now. narration only, no dialogue.

if we die, we die spittin' in their face.

framed

2011-03-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

stress

2011-03-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

this afternoon has been a bit better.
but i can feel the waves of adrenalin ebb and flow
my nurse NEVER CALLED ME BACK
fortunately i have two prn's tonight i can use
i'll have to phone her first thing in the morning then
so much for being able to reach out when i need help
she doesn't even get back to me
which i understood what was going on
i need a release in journalling, God
we are so worried about what we *shouldn't* say, what wouldnt please You
that we just shush it up
when i really should be getting it out
letting the other not-so-nice parts speak
but then other parts want us to not do that and then starts the real bad abuse

in other news i ate quinoa, which was delicious, but never got un-crunchy.
then i ate a small can of tuna.
and now i have a stomach ache.
i want to cry
will this ever end?
endurance
endurance
endurance

hot wire

2011-03-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

evil grows in the dark

2011-03-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

the chorus primarily:

"Evil grows in the dark
Where the sun, it never shines.
Evil grows in cracks and holes
And lives in people's minds."

... which is why we fight so hard to bring it to the light and not stuff it and 'put it behind me' by simple sweeping it under the rug where it will grow and fester

loved that song when i was a kid, but had no idea who did it, and hadn't heard it for years. wow when i heard it when i was searching for 'poppy' related songs (it's by 'poppy family')!!!! and it so fit the way the collage was going.....

by jiminy

2011-03-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

last night i had a horrible night. totally revved. 5:30 am i finally took a PRN. 6:30 finally dozed off. woke up about 9:30 to my alarm... 5 minutes later i woke up from the worst dream ever, totally revved and amped.

got ready to go shopping and did, felt more mellow for a while

this afternoon the revv is kicking in again. waiting for a call back from my nurse to get some more prn's.

collaging to try to stay calm. the worst thing i can do when i'm like this is lay down... in short order i'm desperately reaching for my game to distract the brain.... this helps me stay a little more calm and focussed. laying down doesn't usually work.

why my fairly heavy bedtime medication (read: heavily sedating) did NOTHING last night beats me.

heart compass

2011-03-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

storm

2011-03-24T12:24:00.001-07:00

red alert

2011-03-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

how can i sleep, when my entire being is on red alert?
adrenalin
restless
antsy
when i try to rest the wailing starts
i feel like that kitty
looks like he don't know what to do next!!!

i'm not myself

2011-03-24T05:34:00.001-07:00

done

2011-03-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

maxed out

2011-03-24T03:23:00.000-07:00

we are all over the place
swinging between feeling pretty good ...and mutilate and kill the body.
can't sleep
don't know what to do
don't really want to talk to the mental health ppl because they can't do anything
when i was in hospital wanting to be safe...
they told me 'if a person really wants to kill themselves there's really nothing we can do to stop them'
bad thing to say to a person who 1. in and of themselves doesn't want to die but 2. has other parts who are ready to take over and do the deed
and thats who we need help from to be safe
there are monsters and they are inside you
can't really talk to anybody we just clam up
i guess this is our cry for help
but what could anybody do anyways

F L O A T

2011-03-24T00:15:00.001-07:00

doorbell

2011-03-23T23:53:00.001-07:00

don't speak

2011-03-23T23:01:00.001-07:00

this was the closest image i could find to what i was looking for: someone with a gag so tight.....

had a rough night tonight, after being contradicted and interrupted so many times
i want to just give up trying

theres so much violence going on inside right now

i can taste it

constance

2011-03-23T17:52:00.001-07:00

constance by Vague on Polyvore.com

victory!!!

2011-03-23T16:36:00.001-07:00

victory by Vague on Polyvore.com

we is clean!!!

muddle

2011-03-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

am in a real muddle. i can go from smiling and feeling great about a cute song to tears and the world is ending i should die in seconds. i'm sure eating very, very little doesn't help. its good i'm seeing my T tomorrow. but i feel messed up like did i make the right decision to keep with the catching up on the collages plan, or should i have had my support person come in and talk? it feels like just in the few hours since i kinda sorta made that decision life has fallen apart and i should have my support person there instead. but how to get to the root of the current problems if T doesn't see the collages??? it will just keep going on. and it would be just like "them" to throw us into turmoil to distract us from the task at hand -- the collages. and now i suddenly feel better. i caught on to their scheme, haha. maybe. i hope. i dunno. *sighs*

the world's axis

2011-03-22T23:26:00.001-07:00

it does not turn dependent on me. it does NOT. at all. period.

trust me

2011-03-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

that was our gut reaction when we saw those two orange words, 'trust me'....

x-ray

2011-03-22T21:31:00.001-07:00

(***) x-ray by Vague on Polyvore.com

taxi dermis

2011-03-22T20:19:00.001-07:00

did this collage this afternoon but somehow missed posting it here until now

(***) taxi dermis by Vague

cat's eye

2011-03-22T20:17:00.001-07:00

(***) cat's eye by Vague

did this this afternoon but somehow missed posting it here until now

peek-a-boo

2011-03-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

the tub

2011-03-22T19:28:00.001-07:00

(***) the tub by Vague on Polyvore.com

peeking into my tub issues
ala a cute kitty
we like the cute kitty!

dirty

2011-03-22T16:43:00.001-07:00

(***) dirty by Vague on Polyvore.com

i am dirty and i stink
i cant have a..........baff
:'(
i dont want to bother ppl
i should jus go away

2011-03-22T16:29:00.001-07:00

dirty girl

2011-03-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

dirty girl dirty girl
just die dirty girl
your dirt dirty girl
just die

toughies

2011-03-22T14:14:00.001-07:00

(***) toughies by Vague on Polyvore.com

eye sees you

2011-03-22T13:56:00.001-07:00

(***) eye sees you by Vague on Polyvore.com

our role in the universe

2011-03-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

somehow i found myself watching this video (don't ask me how cuz as an adult i am NOT a fan of the series)

and i think i maybe pegged why.

starting at the 55 second mark, you hear these two phrases:

"the future of narnia rests on your courage"
"the fate of narnia depends on you"

and they hit me like a ton of bricks and send me spiralling.

...i know as a kid i loved this series of books and read them all.

but can i remember much of them? practically nothing, except for parts of what i've re-heard as an adult.

but upon hearing these two phrases from the movie (i DON'T know how indicitive they are of the books themselves)......

......i hear more of the same old JUNK i was taught as a child -- that the fate of the universe hinges on ME.

BULLSHIT. sorry for the language, but for our sake it needs to be in the firmest language possible. it is, indeed, pure bullshit.

Colossians 1:16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Hebrews 1:3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power.

what i was taught -- and what those two lines from the narnia movies explicitly states -- is in DIRECT OPPOSITION to biblical truth. (and to be frank, appeals to our base natures - our sinful desire for more control, influence, and power than what we are to have.)

now i know there are those who will immediately counter what i just said, endeavoring to bring 'balance', with, "but V, we DO have a responsibility before God and have a role to play in the outworking of His kingdom!!!"

HEAR THIS: what that well-meaning caution instead counters is my desperate attempt to reach in from the one extreme and claw myself towards center... by causing me to hesitate and be tentative and relax my fierce grip on the truths i've laid out above. and like a bungee cord i'm snapped from my progress towards center back into the extreme, stuck there, trapped there, feeling like all my efforts to reach center are for naught. utterly discouraged.....

....and feeling like the lies i was taught as a child were just now reinforced and further entrenched in me by someone i trust in the here and now by their (trying-to-be-helpful) discouragement of us clinging so fiercely (out of a fear of 'extremism') to those truths that i see and KNOW are the reality that frees us from the LIE. (is it any wonder we often begin to cry and howl like a lost soul in distress when ppl have tried to bring 'balance' to our fierce attempts to lay hold of those truths?)

and extreme lie needs an extreme truth to neutralize it.

only then can the truth be held in its proper tension.

i'm not - ever - saying that we don't have roles and responsibilites before God. BUT IT IS A SEPARATE THING that we have responsibilities and duties before God -- these duties we have are NOT what holds the universe together, they are NOT what ensures the fate of the world. these duties are to walk in love, walk in holiness, walk in obedience, make our lives a living sacrifice to Him, etc. these things are day to day temporal duties -- they do NOT carry the fate of the universe in how well we carry them out. that rests SOLELY in HIS hands.

and lest people think it's "just me" that has these wonky ideas...

we just heard it put forth explicitly in a movie based on christian literature from a christian theologian and as such carries weight with it ....whether it should or not.

can we really deny that not only does this have the effect of enforcing and reinforcing those who, like me, have been indoctrinated into that kind of thinking, but that it introduces that mindset to the culture at large, and works to distort the truth of God as given once for all to His people???

venom

2011-03-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

someone tough really relates to this video they really identify with the main girl
pure venom
tough as nails
restrained violence

(but we don like the two girls kissin part sorry sorry)

stare

2011-03-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

cross focus

2011-03-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

the only person i've met who can do this is a boy who was so fascinated with me doing it we showed him how and he learned

dont know how i learned it just always been able to do it