for the good, i believe.
for the worse, many believe.
a whole new me?
--i wonder what that means, internally speaking.
has there been some kind of shift?
i feel more present day-to-day.
more calm, without losing touch with my emotions.
functioning even through the worst heartache ever, without shutting down.
feel like i'm finally experiencing God's grace -- His favor and love for me.
the unconditionality of it.
the too-good-to-be-true-but-YES-it's-true-ness.
i'm learning to stop looking to my fruit for proof that i'm His,
and looking instead to His promise.
extra nos -- outside of myself.
God is outside of me.
yes, i am in Him and He is in me.
but He is not me, He is not 'within' me, He is not mine, i do not own or hold sway over Him.
He is totally other than me.
immanent, yes.
but transcendent.
the power to *do* -- God's power, does not come from within me, but from without.
and it is in His hands, not mine.
it is not mine to wield, to tap into, to find the keys to access...
His still, small voice is heard in His Word, not in my ears or in my heart.
i'm learning to distinguish between law and gospel.
law convicts and condemns, and points to me and how i don't measure up.
gospel promises and fulfills, and points to the One who did so, for me.
too often it has been, 'well, yes, of course what Jesus did is sufficient, but you still have to...'
which for the longest time i didn't recognize left me feeling dazed, confused.
hopeless.
what Jesus did is sufficient, PERIOD.
i'm acutely familiar with my failings.
i need the promises of the gospel,
not the smoting of the law.
how i've failed, yet again.
how i think wrongly, as usual.
correction, correction, correction.
a bruised reed He will not despise.
its funny the extent to which things have to go, sometimes.
to lose your life to gain it.
to get out of the suffocating stranglehold in order to find air.
even kicking those you love in your desperation to gasp in a breath.
to be misunderstood... yet again.
left alone,
bleeding.
He is my Good Samaritan.
He is washing me, His enemy,
and binding my wounds.
He paid my debt.
now i can rest and heal on His bill, not mine.
without expectations on my head.
thankful for the provision of God
unexpected and overabundant:
fears of abandonment or estrangement lifted or eased
by the desire for something more.
fear of the words around bread and juice gone
leaving only a desire for His gifts, His promises
yea, even in my mouth.
to hear my own words come out of someone elses mouth
--who has been where i've been
and sees what i sees--
unbidden... i didn't have to bring it up or ask about it.
where for so long i thought i was the only one
i thought it was 'just me'.
--ever the alien--
but no, it's not just me.
for a new home to step into before stepping out of the current one.
for answers to prayer.
for an abatement of confusion
and an increase in clarity.
what looks like freedom can actually be legalism,
what looks like legalism can actually be freedom.
rediscovering my poetic voice.
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