TRIGGER WARNING.
so on may 11, a friend's birthday, her ex stopped me on the street basically said i was a vampire because i didn't age, and then said 'you better be careful or i'll track you down and put a stake in your heart' (or 'i'll have to track you down and put a stake in your heart', one or the other). this is a very intelligent, psychopathic person, so they were in no way ignorant of what they were saying or how it would be taken. (in fact, the opposite would be true-- they would deliberately couch a threat within a 'compliment', just to mess with you, and to deny it later.)
SO we went to the womens shelter and went to the police the next day (who said they couldn't do anything cuz there was no witnesses). so we stayed there for two weeks.
then we got a roommate, another 'resident' at the shelter was moved into my room to make room for a family. a few days earlier she had done 3 things in less than an hour that freaked us out, she rested her knee on my foot, touched my neck with a freezie, then rested her leg on my knee. which we dealt with the emotions that brought up and we were ok. but when she got moved into our room we immediately started having what i can only explain as flashbacks of being touched by a womens hands in the night and we just went into panic mode.
so we thought, better locked up at home with the danger outside the doors, then in bed with 'danger' across the room, inside the same doors.
and we not been doing so good since coming home. we wanted real bad to keep the routine we'd got in the house, 7:30 wake up knock, brekkie, meds, relax and read, walk around the track, lunch, relax and read, meds, dinner, dinner cleanup, tv/read/do puzzles, meds, bed anytime after 9. when done eating clean up after yourself, rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. the structure done us good.
but then coming home we start going in circles again, trying to make a coffee is an exercise in frustration, we forgot our morning meds, after going to bed early and sleeping all night we slept all day -- then slept all night again. it's much harder to stay 'present' here than it was at the shelter.... there's so much here, so much visual noise and clutter and colors and texture, WE NEED PLAIN.
but the only way we know to live, and maintain, is CHAOS.
am more desperate than ever to go minimal. having like 3 outfits at the shelter was nice (they fit the weather, anyway). now we have too many clothes (all 'needed', of course, for throughout the year).
am considering going extreme -- always been that way, after all. if making a change it works best to go all the way. am considering having one mug, one plate, one bowl, one pot, one pan, one place setting of cutlery, one... you get the idea. have lots of paper plates and plastic cutlery for company (or when i feel too icky to wash dishes). which means getting rid of three quarters of my first and only 4-place setting dish set, sob.
i can't quite go that far for clothes... (no such thing as disposable clothes for when the laundry goes unwashed, eh). but. aside from a gazillion undies and washcloths, have basically only a couple of GOOD things of each. or, say three of each. maybe one dark neutral, one light neutral, one bright/color. three structured pants, three stretchy pants, three capris, three shorts, three skirts, three tanks, three tees, three shirts, three blouses, three jackets, three pajamas (and that would mean real pjs, not the threadbare leftovers of my regular clothing -- no threadbare anythings allowed, period.)... hmm. i like that. special pieces would be ok, too. like one fancy dress for wearing to weddings or whatnot. one winter coat. that funky crochet look, full of holes 'blouse' to funk up a tank in the summer...
anyhoo. i was raised boundaryless. i need boundaries. maybe even verging-on-anal boundaries. i really don't know how to self-regulate. i really need external regulating factors in my life.
like.... a clock that 'bongs' on the hour. a dog that gets me up and out for walks at the same times each day. my old scheduler on my phone that kept me on track appointment-wise.
i think in need to lose.... my home phone. the two weeks i was gone from home, 3/4 of the calls in my call history were long-distance/out of country/unknown callers. those seriously tick me off.
kinda like the kids screaming outside like they're being murdered. and there's one baby (probably older, a toddler or preschool age kidlet) that cries this desperate cry like they are in agony. multiple times a day. you know there's something wrong with you when, when a child cries like that, you are so triggered you just want to find the parent and tell them to shut their kid the hell up, rather than worrying about the child's welfare first. how pathetic is that?
i have some friends that got a skeezy neighbour, and they are moving out until the neighbour is evicted. i wish i had that option. i have skeezy neighbours all around me, and i have to stay. i'm trapped by the phenomenal rent and my lack of income. i'm sure there is more than one dealer in the complex, and certain days it seems like pot smoke is leaking out from everywhere -- you can't walk through the complex without smelling it. there is no peace here. sometimes its quieter than others, but there is no peace. i hate it. and i feel guilty hating it. cuz it seemed like a God-thing to move in here. not to be melodramatic, but it feels like i'm dying here. lack of sunlight would do it. (curtains are closed almost 24/7 due to constant lack of privacy/foot traffic flow.)
anyways i'm going to quit writing now before the tears start to actually flow. there was talk at home group tonight about storing tears in a bottle. it takes a lot to get our tears flowing, our tear collection would be pretty scant. i wish tears didn't equate to the feeling of my heart being torn out of my chest, but it does. so i hate crying. and i don't want to cry tonight. the heart hurts bad enough right now.
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