roaming

walking lots.

this morning walked to the coffee shop and spent the change i scrounged up on coffee and read a chapter of a book, and then walked home.... it was a mellow, cheerful, yawn-y, waking up mosey. it felt good.

then around dinner time i walked from a friends house and did a fair loop on a trail thru town... really boogied, hips swinging, lots of energy. smiled at everyone, said hi to strangers, and even petted a puppy. felt young... adult, but young.

then tonight i went for a walk around the block. was having a bit of asthma, and at one point felt like turning left (which would lead me out of the immediate neighbourhood) but managed to turn right. then i felt like keeping going straight (same issue) but managed to turn right at that corner, too. was dazed. felt sad - but only after i'd been walking for a bit. wanted to go sit by the river and look at the water. alone. at 9:30pm. not good.

why so different? i dunno.

planning on going for a walke with wolfie in the morning, too, at 7am. (supposedly - so long as he doesn't bail on me (again!)) both of us want to start getting up earlier in the morning. mornings are cool and fresh and calm (or windy, lol - fun!). and i like the quiet time in the mornings.

after making a huge decision in the last day or so (to move house next month), i feel a bit unsettled. and almost all my support peeps are gonna be out of town this week. (which automatically ups the stress ante). also wished to go to, but.... going with a bag of apples and oranges for food for the weekend was not recommended (ie, so that others on the trip would not feel 'bad' for me eating apples/oranges for two days and feel they should buy me food)... so, it was a no go. sad for me, but in the end, i think it was good not to have the added stress on top of this decision to move. but i feel alone for the weekend. which is not really true, but.... the ppl that are the 'pivot points' in my life are all away, so....

also stressing is that home group will be suspended for the summer. (in suspenders. from a tree.) it's my main focal regular thing, about equal to church on sunday, that the calendar revolves around. without those, time just drifts. church will still be there, once a week, but it seems such a long time, and things get feeling 'loose'. there are other things during the week, but they are more 'get throughs' than 'looking forward tos'. (not that i don't like them, they're just not the same level of highlights to pivot around, lol....). more 'daily life'. church and home groups are... power ups. personal time with Jesus powers up too, but not the same way as the communal group times do. i dunno.

a bit disorganized mentally, again.... it was better for a while, but i'm starting and not finishing projects and/or working obsessively on them, forgetting to eat, and... avoiding the bathtub again. *sighs*.

tonight had a flash memory of an old lady who mom let me stay overnight with her at her house. she had this suffocatingly heavy feather blanket. and a boarder in her basement. she let me rollerskate on the concrete floor in the basement, but wouldn't let me touch anything upstairs. what i flashed was her in her burgundy(?) velour housecoat. huh.

going to bed soon so i can get up in the morning for the walk. am sad everyone is leaving. :(