opposites

Feels the same every day,
Come home from work late again,
Work so hard and never play
I can't wait to take you far away

Don't you know? (don't you know?)
Gotta go (gotta go)
Pressure builds from everyone every day
Get away (get away)
Come my way (come my way)
When the day begins to end, then you're mine
Come go with me, make you feel alive
This night will last everlasting through the time

Come go with me, have no fears
Bring back the memories
I can take away the misery
Take my hand, we'll fly away
To our world that we can find today

Can you feel? (can you feel?)
I'm for real (I'm for real)
Can I hold you by the fire in the night?
Is it right? (is it right?)
Hold me tight (hold me tight)
When you look into my eyes in the light

Come go with me, make you feel alive
This night will last everlasting through the time
Come go with me, have no fears
Two hearts in one eternal through the night

Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Just come go with me
Don't let it end in sorrow
Love is our destiny

we listend an belted out this song over an over when we was little

now its creepy

emphases are ours of parts that creepy us

weekend at the cottage

so we had a getaway weekend that evolved out of a movie and pizza night with a friend.

we got talking, and somehow it came up that there have been several times that we have called her and she has come over and rocked us to sleep.

U ROCKED US TO SLEEP?

we dont remember that!

MANY TIMES?

and we dont remember it?!

wow. is like an answer to our wondering about why we don't have obvious time losses... only more vague things. never ppl insisting they know us but we don't know them, etc. (at least not that we know). but here she said there were bunches of times she's been to rock us to sleep when we was distressed.

so it kinda rocked us and then littles were around and we were cycling like crazy and it was kinda disorienting. so she let us stay with them for the weekend.

one of our favorite times this weekend was sunday morning when her son woke me up. he's about.... 4? he climbed up on the big bed (his parents bed) an said, where mom? i said she's in the living room on the air mattress. how come? he said. cuz i didnt sleep well on the couch so she let me have the big bed. (plus theres a plug-in for my cpap. and btw, his daddy is away working, so there's just his mom right now which is why i could stay).

and he paused and said, i stay with you. and he climbed in. he'd had a nightmare. and he came closer and closer and drowsily gabbed about it. an we tried to comfort him so we patted his shoulder. and he played with our hand and folded the fingers then we'd boing one up and he'd close it again. an we was all or alot of us anyways watchin from inside like oh this is what a little kid is supposed to be like an we cried inside an felt good too.

i think we dozed off an woke up when he tromped across the bed to get off and go bug mom for food. an thats suposed to be what a little kid is like too. and loved an safe is how a little kids is sposed to feel too. an we had happy tears.

an so finaly we came home today. still majorly out of sorts, but i think its mostly a good thing.

except tonight that guy was at prayer an he clapped an this time when it was loud we uncontrolabley jumped with each clap an finaly we almost ran out of the room an hid in the nursery for a while. then we came back an sat beside a friend who cuddled us an we cried. an when the guy clapped some more, she could feel us jump. but she helped us to feel safer.

but we feel like we cant go to prayer no more cuz he's there and hes still setting off all our alarm bells an hypervigilance. majory trigery. so is not safe place anymore :'(

enjoy Him

"God created man for nothing else but happiness"..... "the soul of every man necessarily craves happiness"... "once you come to grips with this impulse in your heart... don't demonize your desires. GOD has indelibly imprinted this in your soul." from Sam Storm's message on "Biblical and Theological Foundations for Christian Hedonism: Seven Theses".

so we are not bad to want to feel happy n ok? wow.

i think this message is gonna break somethin'.

danged if you do, danged if you don't

so how come every time we share somethin good that God is doin or anything good we get screamin back at us that we are braggarts and show offs and knowit alls?

if we was a braggart and show off an know it all why would we hesitate all evening to say anything? an then put our own worries of what ppl think aside in order that God may get some glory by our sharin' in it?

and we KNOW that if we didn't share it we'd be hearing how disobedient and bad to God we were by not sharin it.

so now we broked a rule - i dunno what rule - but we did an they is mad an throwin axes at us, all the bad stuffs cuz we bad an braggarts

so thats funny, if the bad guy fights against himself, he can't win, right?

so it proves the illogicalness of it. we bad if we (think we) are braggarts, an we bad if we think we are not. is all meant to destroy.

so anyone in cahoots with the darkness can just shut up now in Jesus name. got that?

2 suitcases and a crate

ok, just read an article on compulsive hoarding and dissociative disorders, here.

every time we read something from that site we get messed up. is very insightful blog.

it makes us wish real hard we had to -- or could -- go somewhere else, and take with us only our two suitcases and overnight bag full of stuff. that's it. essentials only. oh, and a crate of crochet supplies. and get rid of everything else. all of it. everything. except maybe some books.

so then why don't we just do it in reverse -- get rid of everything and stay put?

but then, ok, we need a bed, we need a table, we need cutlery, we need toiletries, we need......... ..... .... ....... and then everything has an argument for staying, it has a purpose or function. and we can't work through the mess in our head.

if we could just have a bedroom in a house and only take two suitcases (and the matching overnight bag) and a crate with us....

its so much easier to choose what's essential than it is to weed out what's non essential.

but then the books start saying you need me

the fan starts saying i'll come in handy in the hot weather

and next thing you know it's over.

this.... feels.... like quicksand. suffocation. and so i forget about it. focus on something else. mostly God. or games. or both. and we are NOT in touch with our surroundings.

like in the article i linked to, we got the 'shop n drop' syndrome. only it can be anything. we got a bag of non-perishables from the last big shopping trip still on the floor. we don't even see it anymore. it's sitting beside the overnight bag from new years, emptied of the essentials, but still sitting there, open, with a few non-essentials, on the kitchen floor.

WE DON'T EVEN SEE IT. most of the time. and when we do, we get too overwhelmed.

like the pile of laundry creeping halfway up the height of the washer. a week ago we almost killed it. but it's growing again.... and we walk all over it and don't even realize it. ((laundry is an as yet uncategorized species of mould))

or the bag of garbage sitting beside the garbage can (with it's fresh-as-of-a-few-days-ago bag and contents) in the bathroom..... this big white bag of garbage, and we don't even see it. or we'll see it, and be, ok, i gotta take that out... but by the time we've washed our hands, we've totally forgotten it again. and of course, the RARE time we think, ooooh, i gotta take that out (and i'm not otherwise indisposed *ahem*), it's 11:30 and night and i'm *not* going out to the dumpster alone, or its daytime and we're still in our jammies. (so we'll go to get dressed and forget why we were so purposefully walking toward the bedroom, and unable to remember, go do something else....).... i think the only time we are allowed to notice it is when we can't act on it. and this adds to our frustration.

***

on a (slightly) different note... there is a suitcase full of books i have been looking for, for weeks now. and i just spotted it, about three feet from my bed. in plain sight. *SIGH*. here's to hoping that by the time i post this i haven't already forgotten......

****

dis is to much i die now ok bye

***

i think we are ok. :)

i think we need a pen and clipboard tied around our neck with things to remember on it. the challenge would then be to remember to 1. write on it, and 2. read it. and the first time it got in the way of something, we'd probably fling it off without even realizing it, and then forget it existed. i don't know how many times we've forgotten and then realized, oh yeah, i do have a file for bills! but don't have a clue where it is... then forget we have it again. and still have no clue where.

****

yah ok i go die now

too much

i bad housekepr

i die now

bye

*****

ok, i'm tired, we're cycling too much. i think we are ok. tired. try to remember to get the suitcase...........

***

we stupid n bad

:'(

****

no we not.

off to try to self care.

and get that danged suitcase.

*sigh*

not allowed

"Wrap yourself in things that are comforting. That might mean surrounding yourself in music that touches your soul, or in warm tight blankets that soothe the skin, or with pets and stuffies that are kind to you." ---from here.

not allowed
waste of money
selfish
unneeded
make do with what you have
deal with it
forget it
get over it

me cry
sad

ppl like us shouldn't need those things
we don't need creature comforts
why get consumed with human emotions?
think logically
what can a teddy bear do for you?
what good are tears?
be rational
you can allow yourself to drown in emotion
or you can refuse it
ppl like us don't need emotions
we are above that
we are of better stock than that

mother u lied to us
why we still believe?
we cannot dishonor
be bad bad bad

bad girl

just readed this

6 As for me, I said in my prosperity,
“I shall never be moved.”
7 By your favor, O Lord,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.

from Psalm 30, ESV

thanks Daddy for havin Your plans. You comfort us.

sick and tired in more ways than one

ok. so sick, got sniffles an headache. but can eat. go figure.

is funny how go thru seasons of posting lots, and then not posting much.

went to a dress up party. got dressed up all right - changed out of our jammies. an dragged our sorry butt to the bus stop. we missed too many things this winter, had to go.

in a way, we like bein sick. just rest an listen to stuff. an talk to God. but then thats kind of redundant because that's what we always do. i guess its just then we dont feel guilty.

just got an overwhelming wave of despondency. we was gonna write something and so we didnt and now it's gone again. but it leaves tiredness behind.

i really hate complaining, like when ppl say, oh i'm so done with winter, i'm so ready for spring.

but then that makes us a hypocrite. cuz we feel so done with all this, and so ready to go home. :'(

trigger warn... feel so profoundly alone right now. there's no one on the face of the planet who can share this with us. nobody who can experience internally what we do, to be there with us. no one to see what we just saw, our arm being methodically sliced open like a fish being filleted. no one to see it with us an hug us an comforts us. we know Jesus sees an stuff. but He's no coming an hugging us right now. we needs a hug. :'(

littles sawd it an no like that

wishes soemone would hug our littles an can sucks our thumbs an cry an be rocked :'(

two thoughts

1. seein' as how i may well be going to see my T this spring, i think i be needin to do some more collaging. yeah. suck it up and get to it. ok that's mean. a bit more grace. :(

2. i forget.

alter ego creepy time

so tonight at home group

someone (from another home group) said

they had an alter ego

and she's been coming out more

far as i know she don't know about us

if she did she'd know it was kinda a dumb joke

so she must not know

cuz only mono minds who've never known anyone with it

would think it was appropriate to joke about

just like ppl who've never know someone who's schizophrenic will throw around words

like oh, that's so schizo~!!

only ignorance would do that

she prolly has watched the united states of tara or something

i keep tellin myself that anyways

its just creepy

cuz it seemed so out of place

and it struck us so weird

and either it's just weird

or its something else

which would be too creepy

cuz if she knew it would be creepy for us

if i said 'its as if she knew'

then i'd really be creeped out

cuz i said the same thing last week when her husband preached that message we didnt like

yah her husband

but we just gonna pretend it doesnt creep us out

its just coincidence

yet we feel very triggered by that

someone is thinking about that silver polish again

but it's just coincidence

it has to be

there's no order to die in it

it has to be coincidence

it has to be

it has to be

it has to be

i think a fear net has been tripped in us

....what the heck does that mean?

i confuse me

the only answer is it is God

we can't bathe

can't bathe

can't bathe

can't bathe

then out of the blue we can

an nobody is scairt, not really anyways

an someone who likes showerin comes 'round

an boof its done

after a month of tryin to get in there

boof its done

i confuse me

superficial depths

hard to say

hard to find words

we cry

we tire

feel a little bit dead

distress is rising the last couple weeks

more ups and downs and around and arounds

tummy cant make up its mind what its doing either

it was so bad now its a lot better

at least today

some of the insides is leakin out

will start cryin cuz someone wants a hug so bad

then go blank

more littles around

we numb it all by playing silly redundant games on facebook

they are nothing

they mean nothing

there's no point to them

but we can do them

anything important we can't do

but pointless stuff is ok

the only important stuff we can do is church stuff

huh

having lots of flashbacks too.

cant get in the tub.

if we undress just a bit in the bathroom

--just to put on deodorant!!--

theres panic

can't even look at the tub sometimes

am so out of touch with our surroundings

can walk all over the laundry and still forget to do it

our glasses are FILTHY but keep forgetting to clean them

just keep looking through smudges and dont even realize it

all this complaining and it still feels like it's not touched on anything

this is all superficial

doesn't begin to touch the depths

all this writing

and it feels like we haven't said anything

our therepist today said its important to remember that we have many minds and when one does something and another is saying no no no, it's not their fault, cuz they really don't have executive control. its the same as another person doing it to you.

:(

in and out of focus

is kinda like eyes going in and out of focus

sometimes can see the whole room

sometimes i can only see a small part that has caught my eye

sometimes i can only see what's in my head

sometimes i can grasp the big picture

sometimes i can hold on to certain facts and details but the rest escapes me

sometimes i am lost and blank and cannot speak

sometimes my head is noisy but i cant communicate

i'm going in and out like that lots these days

today i got up from snoozing and went shopping with my worker

i had on my head, paper cups, paper cups, paper cups

then thought, should i get gloves so if i get the impetus to do dishes i could put some bleach in the water with them? (haven't done dishes since before christmas)

i couldn't cope with the store and making decisions

when i tried to say i needed to look for gloves if i was possibly going to do dishes, i couldn't find words

my worker thought i couldn't remember what i wanted to look for

she didn't understand i lost my words

finally made out 'gloves'

she figure out dish gloves so she led me to the right aisle

as we walked down the aisle a little silver can caught my eye

it was a can of silver polish

it was meant for us

it was our destiny

we were to drink it

we looked away and looked at the gloves and tried to think coherently

were barely functioning and came home right away

laid down

now 3 hours later we take a prn

and talk to friend

bye

like stepping into another world

church today was crAYzeee...

i caught a ride with a friend, and her daughter was telling me all about some movie about a frog and a princes who was really a waitress, so cute.

when we get to church, there are posters all over the walls, on one was nazi propaganda against the jews, and on the other documents from the american slave trade. just the few glimpses of the posters, some of the words and pictures, was enough to send us into a tailspin

--who would put those up? --did they haves permission? --why would they do that? --wouldnt (some) ppls know how bad that would be for us? scared mad scared run mad HIDE

then we sawd it was one of our elders puttin them up so we was like, ok, calm calm, the ppls who needed to know knew, so theres a reason they are theres, so.....

then we turned aroun an there was our passer in a black sweater and a light collared shirt an we go deeper tailspin cuz when he wears that we see PRIEST an we gets so triggered an so it was like where is my chuirch an where is my passer an what has you done with them???? an it was so surreal...

an then someone walks by and says 'hey emily, hows it goin'?'

EMILY? who's emily? that finalized our trip into space odyssey land an we was mute an couldnt speak an could only focus sometimes an a frien noticed an was freakin out cusz i couldn talk an shes seen me prety bad before but dont know what to do much

so she asdkd if i wanted to sit in my normal spot an we managed a nod so she took us up there holdin our hand like a child an led us up and ppl was lookin and she sat me down an tapped on our passers wife whos usually beside me an she knewd we was spaced out an she huggled us an prayed that we feel Gods safety an we safe here an all our parts were safe here an we lufs her :)

durin worship we slowloy came out of our trance an we felted better

and then the sermon was about how human depravity devalues ppl, but God gives each person worth, an it totally tied in with the posters so it all made sense

but we will ask our passer if next time he give us heads up so we be prepared an not be so shocked

an we saw the guy who called us emily had a cheeky sparkle, he likes to throw ppl off, he just had no idea how bad it would throw us off all things considered

so i think its all ok

i think

oh but ps

we still hypervigilant this evening, we went to a friends house an like 4 times we got started an jumped an yelped

debating

unimportant in the scheme of things, but enough to discombobulate me tonight

didn't get groceries i needed on monday

i shop again tomorrow afternoon

it's thursday night

i'm hungry (not a common phenomenon lately).

i thought i had a can of beans to tide me over, so i didn't go to the store earlier, but i don't.

out of milk, so can't have granola.

well, i could if i use yogurt to mix it up with.

ok, what do i put it in?

my last paper cup in the fridge actually had some mold growing in it.

toss.

i have one clean bowl, and some styrofoam cups i hate.

i don't want sweet yogurt and cereal anyways, i want protein.

i feel like walkin' to the nearest fast food joint and getting a burger.

but its dark out and we don't really feel safe doing that.

but there is internal pressure to 'don't be a wuss and walk'.

and i'm hungry.

my tummy is actually hungry!

so eat then.

i have one clean bowl.

have you ever resisted the urge to use your one last clean dish, cuz you haven't done dishes in over a month and you just might *really* need it?

and you've eaten your cereal out of paper cups for at least a week?

i managed to get two loads of laundry done today.

i'm working at it, as always.

but indecision is getting the better of me with regards to food tonight.

it's only 7pm. it's only been dark out for 2 hours.

the way to the restaurant *mostly* well lit.

but still.

i crave a burger.

a big juicy burger.

what's wrong with me?

i have an appetite!

LOL

and i still don't know what to do.

i feel sick.

i have 18 hours to wait until i get groceries (minus sleep time)

in the fridge?

i'm so bad...

plain yogurt best before dated some time in november

an unopened loaf of bread that's been there probably 6 weeks

some soup and a bun a friend brought over for me in.... early december?

apples - very old.

a box of mini mandarins i'm scared to look in.

(can you tell i don't eat fresh stuff very much?

it DON'T sit well in me gut)....

what's good in there is...

about a gulp of milk i'm saving to take my meds with tonight

two or three individual yogurts.

apples - some i got last week

jam, plum sauce, and other condiments.

in the cupboard:

a can of beans in tomato sauce (gives me heartburn)

a can of refried beans (what do i do with that?)

a can of garbanzo beans. (that may be what i eat tonight. maybe.)

coconut, pasta, brown sugar, granola.

i can't *make* anything.

i can hardly think.

thats why i'm going around in circles here

i'm dizzy

theres so much arguing inside as to what to do that i cant decide

i'm getting frustrated and mad

my friends coming over

maybe she can help me decide

by for now

update:

i ate half a can of garbanzo beans.

um, starchy and canny.

but ok.

then i thought, hey, i coulda ordered pizza.

it was payday yesterday.

oh well, is probably better to not waste money.

but is it a *waste* to get something like that now and then?

even my mother, the premier advocate of not wasting money on oneself

--and i mean everything was a waste--

said a person had to get pizza or something now and then.

but then she excused the *waste* by saying the body is craving a certain ingredient that only the craving will provide.

so to buy pizza once a month is actually doing something good for the body.

ok, i'm just confusing myself again,

enough

odd day

there's Been some kind of shift.

went For a walk, thought I might wind Up at the big Box store and did

roamed for a while and Came home

2 hours

in a daze

go online

and read read READ read READ read READ read read read

absorb, focus, READ

Very unusual as Compared to of Late.

also, just this Afternoon

have been Starting to almost randomly add Capitals

maybe someone who wants to Write Properly? LOL

eyes are dry and O so Tired

feel Like leaving

feel jumbled

exhausted but like i want to get out and DO something

like i should be somewhere else

HUH

*stupid capitalizing bullsh*t*

changes are never accepted easily

ams i bad?

i sorry

i no wan to be bad

choppity choppity chop chop

headache.

diffrent trains for diffrent brains

lols

is funny that we have so many trains of thought at once, of all diffrent sorts

will try to write a few from the last hour! :)

we had a friend. she was nice an taught us lots about God. some we had to unlearn but noone can say they got everything right, y'know? but she knewd about our DID and we got comfortable with her but never really came out. then one day there was a big thunder storm an we was scairt an we hidded under the table an called her. an she could tell we was little an she got nervous an finally said she couldnt do this anymore it was too demonic. an then she stopped hangin out with us. an i dunno what happened. an we sad. :'( an so when we see her we get nervous an sad. :'(

we gots licorice an we likes it. is black an is only made of molasses n flour n licorice extrace an aniseseed oil. an is not too sweet. an when we brushes our teeth we dont lose the flavor cuz our toothpaste is aniseseed LOL so in bed an still tastin it :)

friends are better than family. family should be called friends, and friends should be called family. but then friends would mean family, and family would mean friends, so it would screw the whole thing up.

i hates smellin my neighbours cigarette smoke when i'm in bed. dont know where it leaks in, but it does. :(

i can get a pet. don't know what to get. or if i should. it turns out i am allowed a small dog, which would mean having to get out and go for a short walk a few times a day - a plus. doggie smell - a negative. cats are awesome especially if theyre cuddly. but litterboxes? eww. i'd rather pick up poop with a bag. but i dunno if i cacn take care of one right now. but maybe it would get me going, having something to take care of. eww, that sounds like my mom....

i think denying our feelings of bitterness anger or hate is not the same as forgiving. we need to come to full acceptance and experience of our feelings (so it's real and not just an abstract repressed entity) so that we can then refuse to keep them, let them go, and forgive. sweeping things under the rug and then pretending they aren't there makes for a dirty house. and sometimes feeling the pain and screaming out 'that wasn't right!' --and someone says, you are right that wasn't right, that was real and that was wrong-- helps it becomes no longer a repressed abstraction but a real - and realized - wrong and a real and realized wound, paves the way to letting it go and healing.

meds are sure kicking in hard tonight. enough so that i'm dizzy and seasicky. but not enough to shut off my mind and stop typing yet!

is interesting how in DID the neurlal pathways are largely segregated from each other (ergo the separatiion of 'ego states').... real, physiological separations. if those neurons were organized so they were not entwined, but clumped to those of the same pathways, we would have different sections of brains. one could even argue it would be like having multiple brains - connected, yes - in one head. so it could be said that each of my persons has their own brain. and that would also explain the difference in response to medications and caffeine and sight and pain, different physiological reactions based on which neural networks are in use at that time. that helps me understand how this is all really real... is not just a filter i've learned to see the world through, or functions i've adapted to cope. not just an imagined excape, like imagining a dragon flying in, breathing fire on my captor, and the flying me home, and with enough use, the dragon becomes imaginarily 'real'. no.... the brain is actually changed, processes differently, functions differently, reacts differently to stimuli, depending on which neuronal network is active. akin to brain damage or developemental delay. in a sense, like a head of cauliflower that, while growing, developed 8 different and distinct lobes instead of one main cohesive one. medusa. hahahahaha.....

giggles

we has some silly glee

we freaked a guy out

hee hee

a internet friend

he saiid (typed) something foot n mouth then was embarrased

an reassured us PROFUSELY that he did NOT feel that way about us

(well, 'me' cuz he only knows us singularly)

an cheeky girl cheeky cheeky cheeky girl

she said

well i have to tell you i do have feelings for you

then she wroted on the same line DONT PANIC!!! cuz she knew hed panic if she didnt

an then she said on the same line too

like that of a long lost brother i never knew an appreciate an am thankful is now in my life

well he panicked right away!!!

but then he read DONT PANIC an the rest an he realized an was relieved

he said we'd freaked him right out!

but we cant stop giggling that we maded him panick anyways LOLOLOLOLOL

oh we sooooo bad!!!!!!

LOLOLOLOL

hee hee

nite nite internet friends!!!

slow, rhythmic

clap. clap. clap.

slow, rhythmic.

yet disrhytmic

discordant with any harmony or rhythm in the flow

loud, sharp, echoing

deliberate and resonant

piercing and jolting

with every clap, a jump, jerk, or shudder

a swirl closes in, confusion, anger

crawling out of my skin

tears pushing through

wanting to declare,

'YOU, in the name of Jesus, STOP

you know what spirit you are operating in

and it may not interfere'

leave the room, pace the washroom

fighting the urge to leave, to walk home

alone on the dark rainy highway

no, that's what that spirit wants, destruction and harm

the clapping is almost louder in there

resonant and echoing in my ears

someone wants to curl up in the corner an cover de ears an hide an rock

breathe

tears

look in the mirror

who is that?

flat face

dark eyes

expression like that of a fighter readying for defense

set and prepared to react to any offensive move

who is that?

a defender

thank you for your role

then the face becomes familiar

and eyes become damp an face flushes

an we know we safe our ppl is here with us

our passer an our friens an most epecialy our God

we safes an ok

so we go back in the room

clap. clap. clap.

when there is any clapping, i can't think

i can't hear

when it stops, i can focus and think and hear

a couple claps and it's gone again

we pull off our sweater an start picking at the lint

pick pick pick

not realizing we grounding ourselves

micro focus on the tactile sensations and movement

our God is here, He keep us safe, no matter what else is there

He is sovereign

pick, pick

we can hear and think

the clapping continues

but an almost smug confidence fills us

nothing can touch us

our God is here

nothing can stand before Him

nothing

we want to laugh

we are safe an nothing can harm us

afterward, waiting for our ride home,

the clapper talks of drinking bl**d in thisthatorsomeother culture

we leave the room

and feel the texture of the paint on the walls and sing in the Spirit

we are safe

we have a little smile

all will be revealed in time

God will reveal the truth

the spirit will show itself

i don't need to do anything

say anything

or figure anything out

God is all over it

and we are safe

ok dats all bye bye now

per tur bed

sometimes we have our regular blog an think it's the 'real' one, and this one is just... weird, not really 'mine' and our regular one is. an we wonder whys we has this one. well, 'she' wonders, mostly.

then other times this is our real blog an we haves no attachment to the other. it don't seem like our blog only this one does. the other one is 'hers'. who? dunno. fathead. knowitall. churchygirl.

it still feels weird.