identity restructured - tim keller

"yah but vague, it's the truth!"

so encouraged.

wolfie phoned tonight, and once again (repetition is good, lol), i laid down the ground rules for our 'relationship' - ie, sister and brother in the Lord, each growing, waiting patiently, and if it's God's will one day down the line for it to be more, it will witness with others... what the world says vs what the Word says. what is precious, and seeking that.... fix your eyes on the prize.... and i spewed out bible verse after bible verse, exhortation after exhortation, amazement after amazement... till my mouth was dry and i had tears in my eyes over the love of God and His amazing sovereign grace.....

(preach it, sista!)

and i paused, caught my breath, swallowed a bunch of times, then said, "haha, i been talkin' so much my mouth is dry!"

and wolfie, with no pause for thought, promptly said,

"yah but [vague], it's the truth!"

...and he sounded like he wished i wouldn't stop.

and that just blessed me.

just complainin'

stressed we still not got the moneys we sposed to have yet. its late. an we still need to get food for campin and a cooler an ice packs.

an we goin crazy in the house tryin to pack. we got a box taped together last night, an we got half our table cleared off today. an we did a load of laundry and got our tent out of the shed to air out.

like our frend tells us its good progress, but its still not enough to be ready to go on time. not having the money yet stresses us out big time.

so we jus complainin. u can ignore us.

but peez dont. :(

kewl

less than 24 hours after the asthma attack in the new place, our new landlord let us know not to go over there the next couple days cuz the are going to be busy in there...

...ripping out the carpet and putting laminate flooring in, instead!!!! whoot!

God's kewl that way, see? :D

peez

i no wanna be here no more i go home peez peez? :'(

panic

oy. today we went to our new place. it smells smoky, they having a hard time getting rid of the smoke smell. had an asthma attack. and when i got home, i had a note in my mailbox saying my landlords got my vacate notice.

theres no going back

we trapped

we cant get out

we cant change our mind

we stupid

we shoulda known better

we should be psychic? no!!!

God has a plan an purpose in this. He knew what He was doin' when He said yah, move there. He's the one who timed this opportunity to panic, having an asthma attack the very same night we get the note that our notice was recieved. He wants us to trust Him. He knows what we need, and He's gonna take care of us. we dont know whats gonna happen, but He does!!!

peez daddy take the smoke away ok? thank u amen

the smell also reminds us of mom's house - not in a good way.

an the lady who is one of our new mommas an a suport person who reminds us of mom but in a good way -- an thats kinda healin to us cuz shes like mom but w/o the bad stuff -- has terminal cancer. so she mite die too so thats like 2 moms gone. mebbe we likes her too much an is idolitry so God take her away too. :'( sory :'(

T tomorow. i hope my friends dont forget.

unawares of some basics

just realized today we been not noticin when we gots to go to the bathroom. that means we more stressed than we know. an we not been feelin good. prolly from not noticin. an not noticin when we hungry too much. an then not having much to eat when we do.

last night we felt real weak an dizzy, an today we was shaky. :(

we wented to go get some bread today from the salvation army cuz we got very little food. ate half of it already. we mostly eatin crackers and peanut butter. an popcorn. we got some oatmeal an raisins yesterday from walmart. had three bowls already, and i think half the raisins is already gone.

***

right after readin' this we went an made some oatmeal an coffee. we spent some time on the computer, then got ready to leave for a church function and realized - the food and coffee was still sittin on the table! an hour later! we forgot it totally!!! arrgh!!!!

***

jus found out yesterday that one of our mama's in the church has 'terminal' cancer.

***

have T tomorrow morning.

now we needs to leave for the function. we already gonna be late.

He will bring clarity....

lost put put

we lost our put put mode.... we in the throes of planning the move, and as such, immobile. unfocused on anything but.

it seems the last time i looked at the sink was just after loading the dishwasher, and the sink and counter was mostly clear of dishes. today it is piled up. three cooking pots, bowls and cutting boards, and dishes dishes dishes. some has raw meat marinade on it, and we can't get usselfs to touch it.

feel very immobile right now. don't even feel like going for our walk. have not yet been able to get dressed.

today's to do list?
laundry
dishes
go for walk
laundry
dishes
practice songs
laundry
dishes
bed

oh yeah... and feed myself. still havent had breakfast. kinda hard to whip something up when you have hardly any groceries. knowing this, last night we made a huge pot of pasta with beans and veggies. so that will be breakfast... and lunch... and prolly dinner tonight.

i feel spizzy in the head, and wanna go back to bed. :(

but am trying to be up and about for the day.

how do you know when you are sick? don't feel right today. but cuz am *always* 'pushing through' this that or another, i don't know if i'm pushing through when i shouldn't be... how do i know the difference between sick, tired physically, tired mentally, being lazy? where's the line where 'pushing through' should stop, and 'resting' should begin?

i think this moving thing is too much for my brain and we're checkin' in and checkin' out accordingly. i wish i had some control over that. but it's so random, at least it seems so, and i don't understand it.

ppl assume it would be just so easy to call pll up and wrangle moving helpers or whatever. but in reality, deciding how to go about it is just confusing and beyond our box (at least right now) that figuring that out does us in, never mind the actual doing of it..... *sighs*

why is we not allowed to be weak an not be able to do things? why is it we are always suposed to do everything usselfs cus we should be able to? that is momma's curse!!! u can do anything u set your mind to... ie, if you can't do it its cuz you won't do it so its your fault and your bad. :(

we cannot do the move alone. not evn figurin it out. we needs help but we no can ask.
we was tinkin of callin our frend today an ask her if she could help with our kitchen so we can breathe again, but not alowed to cuz its the weekend an it should be fambly time so dont bug her. :(

i wants to cry an go to bed :'( :'( :'(
but not alowed

i sad
but no alowed to be

parsley and beet

we likes this story an picturse :D

parsley and beet

walk - fathersday - move - camp

hmm. achy from all the walking. but can't stop. must walk. if i don't walk every day it feels wrong. walked straight for 2 1/2 hours today. knees and ankles a bit sore. otherwise ok.

am listening to some nice worship music, it's windy out and the trees sound nice.

will miss the trees when we move.

feels sad. :(

still gots wishes like this.

someone at church said to evryone, have a great fathers day. and if you dont have a father, be thankful for the one you had in the past.

we never did have one.

an our closest to dads were both out of town this weekend. :'(

not that we'd be allowed to bug them anyways. (inside rules) :'( :'( :'(

ppl keep sayin we will have lots of help to move. so we decided ok we move. an now we movin don't know what to do first.

hopin deciding to move wasnt a stupd idea.

just want to curl up under a blanket. inside. doin' it outside would make no difrence. only inside would work. dunno why.

sposed to go camping next weekend. don't know how we gonna manage it.
1. find tent
2. air out sleeping bag and tent
3. find pump and try out mattress
4. borrow a cooler (from who? everyone's going!)
5. buy campable groceries

is not good inside. but dont know how or why or what. dunno.

ok, i tire

gots dishes an dont know what to do about em.
where we moving there no dishwasher we gonna be in truble.
we got no cofee to wake up with.
runnin out of food agin.
payday in 2 days but dont know what to do what to buy so we dont run out of money in movin month :(
milk.
an coffe! :)
there no more church group in summer. :(
we walk lots.
feet r real dirty!
ok bye!

up and out

i know something's up when i can't stand being at home.

too messy cuz not cleaning, no room to breathe = i want out.

feel restless, wanna move, walk = i want out!

walking walking walking.

walked about three hours today.

walking to church in the morning.

may walk home too.

can't wait to move my stuff outta here.

take only what i really want to the new place and....

somehow, painfully i'm sure, let go of the rest.....


yesterday on my walk with wolfie, a cement truck went by. cement trucks don't ever bother me, see them fairly often around town... but this particular one did. it was exactly the same kind my unk drove when i was a kid. (later i saw another cement truck from the same company, but the paint job was slightly different, and didn't trigger me at all). exact same color in all the right places, to the point that it may even be the exact same truck.

and i heard something i *have* heard before, but with no idea what it related to: being in the dark and being surrounded by loud resonating banging... as though being in an oil drum or something, and it's being pounded on.

perhaps it wasn't an oil drum. i don't think it was an oil drum at all. right now i hear, in my head, the sound of cement tumbling in a truck, which i haven't heard (in my head or in the 3D) for *years*... and it has that same 'big' sound, lacking the resonance because it's full, but the same 'tone', or something, can't explain it.

hmm.

no emotions.

i don't want 'em.

cuz if that's what it was, it can't have been pleasant.

:(


first day of summer tonight.... longest day of the year.


someone swooped by on rollerblades today and startled me, screamed and jumped big..... and was mute and numb and dazed for a while after. swoosh.

my friend, to help me, tried to focus me on the train bells on the tracks we'd crossed a few minutes before, 'look, there's the train we missed! it's coming!'

an we worried we was sposed to get on an we'd missed it. :(

roaming

walking lots.

this morning walked to the coffee shop and spent the change i scrounged up on coffee and read a chapter of a book, and then walked home.... it was a mellow, cheerful, yawn-y, waking up mosey. it felt good.

then around dinner time i walked from a friends house and did a fair loop on a trail thru town... really boogied, hips swinging, lots of energy. smiled at everyone, said hi to strangers, and even petted a puppy. felt young... adult, but young.

then tonight i went for a walk around the block. was having a bit of asthma, and at one point felt like turning left (which would lead me out of the immediate neighbourhood) but managed to turn right. then i felt like keeping going straight (same issue) but managed to turn right at that corner, too. was dazed. felt sad - but only after i'd been walking for a bit. wanted to go sit by the river and look at the water. alone. at 9:30pm. not good.

why so different? i dunno.

planning on going for a walke with wolfie in the morning, too, at 7am. (supposedly - so long as he doesn't bail on me (again!)) both of us want to start getting up earlier in the morning. mornings are cool and fresh and calm (or windy, lol - fun!). and i like the quiet time in the mornings.

after making a huge decision in the last day or so (to move house next month), i feel a bit unsettled. and almost all my support peeps are gonna be out of town this week. (which automatically ups the stress ante). also wished to go to, but.... going with a bag of apples and oranges for food for the weekend was not recommended (ie, so that others on the trip would not feel 'bad' for me eating apples/oranges for two days and feel they should buy me food)... so, it was a no go. sad for me, but in the end, i think it was good not to have the added stress on top of this decision to move. but i feel alone for the weekend. which is not really true, but.... the ppl that are the 'pivot points' in my life are all away, so....

also stressing is that home group will be suspended for the summer. (in suspenders. from a tree.) it's my main focal regular thing, about equal to church on sunday, that the calendar revolves around. without those, time just drifts. church will still be there, once a week, but it seems such a long time, and things get feeling 'loose'. there are other things during the week, but they are more 'get throughs' than 'looking forward tos'. (not that i don't like them, they're just not the same level of highlights to pivot around, lol....). more 'daily life'. church and home groups are... power ups. personal time with Jesus powers up too, but not the same way as the communal group times do. i dunno.

a bit disorganized mentally, again.... it was better for a while, but i'm starting and not finishing projects and/or working obsessively on them, forgetting to eat, and... avoiding the bathtub again. *sighs*.

tonight had a flash memory of an old lady who mom let me stay overnight with her at her house. she had this suffocatingly heavy feather blanket. and a boarder in her basement. she let me rollerskate on the concrete floor in the basement, but wouldn't let me touch anything upstairs. what i flashed was her in her burgundy(?) velour housecoat. huh.

going to bed soon so i can get up in the morning for the walk. am sad everyone is leaving. :(

tagged like so much cattle

i hate my name. it's like an ownership tag indicating i belong to someone i am actually free of. it's a reminder, and a link to the past i don't want there.

God has already given me a new first name. but tonight i shared with my home group how i hate the feeling of my name tagging me like so much cattle... i am not cattle. and i shared how i wished i could change my name... and the people, some of whom are very strong support people in my life, said that *actually* it wasn't a strange thought to them, not at all.

i mean, i know God changed ppls names in the bible, and that ppl have changed their name, but.... it seems so uncommon. it's like, well, you have a 'new name' in spirit, isn't that enough?

not when your old name, your *legal* name, ties you to a lineage of darkness you want no part of, no connection to in any way shape or form, any longer.

it's like an *legal* ownership tag on a cow. tagged like so much cattle.

well i'm not.

i have a new family, a new Father, a new inheritance, and a new lineage. i have a new heritage. and it's totally legal - my Papa is the Most High King, Sovereign of the Universe, and i am legally His. i was purchased with a price.

and i want nothing of the old heritage. not even a remnant of it.

someone said it's $140 to legally change your name... i was like, 'that's it?!?!'

i'll be - prayerfully - looking into it, that's for sure.

i feel really angry right now. angry at the darkness that wants to keep me bound.

u don't own me any longer. u have no legal right to me - to us - in any way shape or form.

so YOU SHUT UP!!!

self-love, stolen

Now Jesus says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And with that
commandment he cuts to the root of our sinfulness. How so? Jesus
says in effect: “I start with your inborn, deep, defining human trait—
your love for yourself. My command is, ‘You shall love your neighbor
as yourself.’ You love yourselves. This is a given. I don’t
command it; I assume it.2 All of you have a powerful instinct of
self-preservation and self-fulfillment. You all want to be happy. You
all want to live, and to live with satisfaction. You want food for
yourself. You want clothes for yourself. You want a place to live
for yourself. You want protection from violence against yourself.
You want meaningful or pleasant activity to fill your days. You want
some friends to like you and spend some time with you. You want
your life to count in some way. All this is self-love. Self-love is the
deep longing to diminish pain and to increase happiness.” That’s
what Jesus starts with when he says “as yourself.”
--John Piper, pg 255 "What Jesus Demands of the World"

how is it that the ability to love oneself as God created us to can be so totally stripped from you that you find it easier to see others as being worthy or requiring our love, than it is to even comprehend the notion of 'loving yourself'?

how can someone so abuse a child that they grow up with no sense of inherent worth or value (which God intended for us in His loving creation of us)?

evil, evil evilness.....

loving family, perfect childhood? i think not.

a family for generations given over to evilness? i do believe so.

it stops here. it stops with me. it stops with *us*. no more!!!!!!

Jesus, helps us lern to luvs ourselfs like U created us to naturally do. ok? thanks amen.

bad 'king'

There have been kings who find it very effective to keep their subjects in constant anxiety. If the people are anxious about their life and worry about where their next meal is coming from, then perhaps they will be more willing to do the king’s bidding in order to get the food they need from the king’s storehouse. Anxiety keeps them in their place. Fear makes the monarchy firm.

Jesus Does Not Secure His Kingship by Cultivating Anxiety
But one of the greatest things about Jesus is that he does not want his people to be anxious. He does not secure his kingship by cultivating anxiety. On the contrary, the aim of Jesus’ kingship is to free us from anxiety. He doesn’t need to keep us anxious in order to establish his power and superiority. They are untouchable and invincible. Instead, he exalts his power and superiority by working to take away our anxiety.

pg 114-115, "What Jesus Demands from the World", by John Piper. read more: (pdf).

the bad king (king? PSHAW!) can take his fear an shove it where the sun don shine!!!! we believin the GOOD King Jesus!!!!

an amazing nite

a friend came over to drop something off
she was stressed
so we prayed together
then we went for a walk
she mentioned had a sorta-friend sleepin' at her house who she realized had gone awol from the psych ward
she didnt know what to do, not a clue...
but i did lol!!!!!! i know all about that stuff!
so i called the hospital and talked to them
there was a warrant out to have him brought back to the hospital
so we went back to her house and waited outside and yakked.
the police came and took him back
he was mad, of course, felt betrayed
friend was very stressed
so i visited and we talked and played with her baby and wound up laughing lots
ate smoothies
prayed some more
she felt peaceful
and we came home, late.

walked home in the dark, 11:30 or so, but hey, she only lives in the building across the street!!!! lol....

all told, an adventure.
is amazing when God uses us and brings us into another persons life at the exact moment they need it. and they think they got blessed, when really it was you who got blessed! is kewl.

and see, we really *is* useful!!!! :D

coincidence + coincidence + coincidence + coincidence + coincidence = God's hand at work.

no can!!!

the bad guys no can take the word away from us. u hear? no can. ok? they no can!!!!! ha!!!!

we is jesus' and jesus is ours an thats that!!!!!!

on having - or not having - rights to boundaries

that's been a struggle for us. but lately we've read something in a devotional book that helps us. so heres some notes.

Quotes from J. I. Packer's devotional, "Knowing God Through the Year".
[bolding mine.]

"When the old Reformed theologians dealt with the attributes of God, they used to classify them in two groups: incommunicable and communicable." (pg 150)

"Not all God's qualities belong to him alone. He shares some of his attributes with humans.
Early theologians lumped together qualities like God's spirituality, freedom and omnipotence, along with his moral attributes--goodness, truth, holiness, righteousness and so on. What was the principle of classification here? It was this: when God made man, he communicated to him qualities corresponding to all of these. This is what it means when it tells us that God made man in his own image, namely that God made man a free spiritual being, a responsible moral agent with powers of choice and action, able to communicate with him and respond to him, and by nature good, truthful, holy, uprights (Ecclesiastes 7:29). In a word, godly." (pg 151)"

"The moral qualities that belonged to the divine image were lost at the Fall. God's image in man has been universally defaced...(...) But the Bible tells us that now, in fulfillment of his plan of redemption, God is at work in Christian believers to repair his ruined image by communicating these qualities to them afresh. This is what Scripture means when it says Christians are being renewed in the image of Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18) and of God (Colossians 3:10)."

i cannot begin to express how profound this is to me. to us. that God intended for us to be spiritually free (not bound, controlled, subjected, manipulated, etc)... to have the powers of free choice and action (and nobody having the responsibility - or right - to these exemptive of ourself!)... and that He is 'communicating' these things to me 'afresh'..... WOW.

thank you, J. I. Packer..... but especially,
thank You, LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!