slavery

the things that are or are near or could become slavery for me (us) are all things that have to do with avoiding pain.

the problem for me is that most people would say, well nobody likes pain, but it's part of life. don't escape it, deal with it.

well, hmm.

the problem is that when you are dealing with pain that is sadistic, traumatic pain from unjust things that were done to you, and it floods your being, if you stay in that state...... it would be bad. if i did not escape the pain now and again - often - i would quickly go insane or off myself.

so how is it different that using morphine for a broken leg? while someone is healing from a broken leg, we don't say, it's normal, deal with it.

no, it's painful cuz it's BROKEN and it's UNHEALED. why guilt them into go going through that kind of pain cuz they should just 'deal with it', and not rely on drugs?

i would definately like to get to the day when i can go through life with little to no escapism. it's an ideal. it's freedom. and it will come. in time, with healing.

yesterday, i tried to 'enter in' to the pain - by refusing to retreat from it - and.... rapidly became a mess on my dear friends hands in no time. finally *she* took me away from what we were trying to deal with - dishes and laundry - in order to calm me down.

i mean, i try to force myself to do dishes, and i have visions of knives and blood and my arms and injury, and punishment, and screaming flashing through my head and getting louder and louder.... i could not deal with it.

humans can only deal with so much adrenalin at a go. too much, too long, you die. "adrenal fatigue" and all that.

and when your adrenalin ramps up at the minutest ridiculous thing, you wind up avoiding the minutest ridiculous things.

i want so much to not run from my human condition, but to live in it, be part of it. it's why i'm here, after all - to grow and be sanctified and glorify God as i go through it. one day. i hope.

poppies

huh.

we have a very out of proportion hatred for poppies and all things remembrance day.

we want to scream at people, get over it!

we want to poke people with the pins on their poppies!

screw cenotaphs, wreaths, ceremonies, and those damn poppies!

so, we normally squash it and try to not feel it and try to feel some appropriate emotions for rememberance day, even if simple apathy.

but just now it was like, HOLD ON! .... that is oddly out of proportion feelings to an event with no known reason for it to be upsetting.

HUH.

maybe it has something to do with why we are cycling like crazy?!

non-logic

ok, so took a break from our usual puter time and watched some videos on canadian accents it was fun then got bored.

as soon as we stopped we got a real desperate feeling and images/instructions to do some bad self injury.

an we say bad bad bad bad bad
memories is all lie
all memories is lie
lies lies lies they tell us lies
they teach us lies

an someone said,
why would they teach you those lies? they make them look bad! they incriminate them!!!

oh.

yeah.

i guess what they taughts us is to believe theys is lies.

so we wont believe it happened.

but we still know they did it

they did it

they did everything


what triggered, dont know...

hard things

had to drop a friend on facebook. someone we see often at church and home group. cuz they putting tsk-tsk pictures on facebook.

its hard when so see a pic of someone's head and shoulders, but it's so un-tastefully posed like the top half of a naughty centerfold, that it floods to mind all the naughty pictures you saw as a kid and should never have seen. and your brain completes the image.

so everytime i see her pic i see smut.

and along with the smut comes other images, sounds, and related life events..... UGH.

so we sent her a message about how it's a sexually provoking picture, and is she sure she wants to post those pictures before her visual brothers, and even me? (hinting that it bothers me, too).

what did she do?

she made that pic her PROFILE pic. WHAMMO.

talk about provoking a response.

gotta keeps us safe, so we blocked her.

now it could cause a ruckus in other ways. is scary. sad. :'(

very clear bad head pictures

this would be VERY VERY TRIGGERING

lalalala

lala

lalala

so i saws the word kitten on a page an then suddenly saw in the head a wee kitten that had been bled out being pulled apart limb by limb

bad bad bad bad hair times

pulling lots. if there's no bald areas, things are certainly getting thin. only God's interceptive grace causes the pulling to cease. cuz we are powerless.

when it's bad i can be fighting one hand with the other, like some hitchcokian suspense. it's like that. seriously.

peroxiding so at least the scalp showing through won't be so obvious.

maunder

maunder \MON-duhr\, intransitive verb:

1. To talk incoherently; to speak in a rambling manner.
2. To wander aimlessly or confusedly. --(source)

we know this all too well. even if its not obvious on the outside, it's a normal state of being inside.

pulling up the covers

too stressed.
gave away my ticket to the concert am supposed to go to.
feel bad. but gotta.
hopefully the ppl who gived me the ticket will unnerstand.
gaved it to a friend who will hopefully find someone else to go with her and be blessed by it.
overwhemed.
someone wanted to buy a book to write in so we walked in the rain to go get one. they wanted to write to Jesus. like this: j i n k h u l m b u l m.
letters for words.
if someone finds the book one day they will think we writting gibberish. but its one letter a word.
is good they want to write. but the pressure it comes up with is not good. it means something not right inside but i no know what.
an some bad images/impulses in the head too.
makes for hard to focus in life
overwhelming
so taking care
an pulling up the covers
and shutting some things out
and making safe as possible

we went shopping yesterday with a friend an it got bad. the boxes and food and shelves and people all got so overwhelming. nutrition - junk - money. bzzzzz. dizzifying. wanted to run. makes it hard to decide what to buy. so just buy milk and granola. what we live off of almost every meal we eat at home. cuz its just too complicated to figure out other stuff. diet bad, so wanted to eat veggies when went out for lunch sunday but couldnt buy a whole meal. so just got fries. success in terms of finances, lunch for $3.15. but thats it. (but we go not for food but for friends) so the only good food we eat is when other ppl feed us. which makes us freeloader

want to throw lots of stuff away. make our house like a cell like the video in the last post. or like the observation room at the hospital. a mattress, a blanket, and 4 walls.
all else really is dung. but trying to keep that in healthy perspective not in self-torturous extreme reaction.
bad.
ok bye for now

[nothing is too out there for bad brain images. right now its a cheese grater - a particular kind of cheese grater - and an arm.]

"i think that is prayer enough"

good. cuz thats about all we can manage sometimes too.

heartsick

it feels like we been on a high mountain with God an its been nice
but it feels like today we crashin
feel alone in the world, the only Person who really gets me (of course) is Jesus an we heartsick to see Him
why we still here?
why we no have fambly?
why we have no ability to live normal life?
someones we love said they had laundry an dishes pilin up an they were wading thru them (jokingly i guess) an we said 'i know how that feels!' and they laughed, totally not buying it. an we realized they dont really know us. :'( cuz if they did theyd know it was totally true. :'(
i can't invite them over, either, cuz they'd prolly be all shocked an dismayed. dont think we could handle it. :'(
just want to rewind back to this morning and singing at church. is the only 'place/space/time' that feels good and purposeful and able and normal.
and then come home and feel so alone.
so ready to go HOME.

All I Have Is Christ from Sovereign Grace Ministries on Vimeo.

also: home group was cancelled this week, we have had no worker for friday and tomorrow, and it was halloween. almost all the routine things we need to stay level are tossed salad....

ppl dont get how when homegroup is cancelled its SO HARD. its like the weekly sunday dinner with family that's the connection with all that is right in the world. and for others its just another meeting and to cancel it is no big deal. but not for us. :'( feel really like im gonna puke right now.

i dont care about the stupid concert. i dont even want to go no more. its a distant second to home group. :'(

why is we so stuck

been 'working' on the same sinkful of the same glasses for about three weeks, still haven't gotten them done.

what is the block? why do we get so TIRED, tired to the core, when we need to do the dishes?

sometimes we get the old water drained, and the sink filled with fresh hot soapy water. we let it sit for a bit, and sometimes even set the time to try to force usselfs to get back to the sink.

but then we get there and feel so exhausted and spacey we can't even stand there.

but we can often help with dishes at a friends house no problem. but our own? nope.

this is frustrating.

and its just pissin us off

grace for the disgraced

that's what it was - idolatry

i was my mums idol. i was her god. no wonder we crumbled.

my frail humanity = how God designed it

this was my response to a comment to me after yesterdays post, and i'm just going to post it for posterity.

i was taught that everything is in my control, my power. and that if anything bad happens its my fault. and if anything happens i don't stop its cuz it's my choice, my fault.

but i find freedom in coming to Jesus in my weak imperfect humanity. i do not have all the attributes of God, i do not have all strength, i was not created by God to be any of those things. but i was set up to 'be' all so i wouldn't ever turn to Him and admit i need Him. and keep me in a cycle of shame. there is great freedom in saying, Papa, i can't....

i have no ability to stop pulling when its this bad, outside the grace of God. there are times i am able to muster up the strength to stop, but not when its as bad as this. and instead of condemning myself with 'i can' 'i should' and 'i'm just choosing not to'- shame - i choose to acknowledge my humanity, my frailty, and lean on His grace.

i realize many people were told by their abusers they 'can't', so learning they 'can' or have a 'choice' is freedom for them. but for me it was the opposite. i was told i can.... i can do anything. down to life and death, down to affecting destiny. so freedom for me is saying you know what? i'm not a god, i am a frail human, an earthen vessel, and all my strengths are from Him, not me.

BAD hair day

in about the last 6 hours i have gone from having a mostly full head of hair to quickly balding and neededing a shave *now*. uncontrollable pulling.

i can hardly type this as my left hand keeps veering for my head....

a scarf or a hat would be absolutely no help. it would be dragged out of the way and the hand would be pulling again before i'm even aware of it. then i'm locked in and can't - can't - can't get my hand to move from my head. almost like the message isn't getting from my brain to my hand to STOP!!!!

i don't know where my clippers are. i think i lent it to somebody but i don't remember who. either that or it's in the trunk of my 'out of sight out of mind' car that's in storage somewhere.

and i don't know anyone who i could call who would come clip my hair for me... at 11:30 at night.

but seriously. unless God intervenes (or someone miraculously appears to buzz my head!) i'll have large shiny-bald patches before morning. it's happened before, the track my neurons are on is unmistakeable. and i'm helpless to stop this train.

thoughts therapy an other stuff recent ***may trigger***

not been sleeping good. we hate sleeping. need drugs. forget to take them. or remember but too tired to get up to take them. stay up late. even when meds kick in don't go to sleep. putter on the puter. we usually cant sleep - at night - unless the pills almost make us pass out. daytime ok. night time, bad.

not showerd in prolly 3 weeks. too scairt. too much crap happened while nekked in the bathroom to be able to get nekked in the bathroom and be ok with it.

keep havin flasshvbacks an body memories. feels like stuff is really happening but nothings happening. but i can feel it.

rememberd bad stuff that happend at thanksgiving and christmas. bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. T said its cus of those these we did weird things as a kid. not a perverted little kid, but a wounded one.

when we smiles an say we is doin good its cus its all we are alowed to say. its all we are alowed to know. the only posible answer is some variant of 'doing good!' even if think about it, it's almost always all we can say. its the only reality at that moment. we cant remember anything negative at that moment an all seems rosy. even if seconds before we felt horrid. and then the rosiness goes away and it's back to what it realy is. realy we barely keeping head above water. but no one could tell, eh? scratch that. head below water. but barely no one would know it. we sufocating

someone said today about their stuffing (is thanksgiving) that the reason it was yummy is cuz they 'put rosemary in it. so you wont have to see her anymore.' and it realy bugged bothered us. an we thought we was eating ppl for a minute.

when ppl say the word b*gger (the star is a u if you didnt figure that out.) we hate it. especially when they are calling kids 'little b*ggers'. why ppl would ever want to call their kids 'little s*domists' is beyond me, unless they be perverts. :(

think we can now admit to usselfs we was s*xualy abused as a child. by family. by the closest of family. but thats all we can say outside of our head. and we are suposed to delete this sentence but we not going to keep sin in the dark. we will have no part with the works of darkness.

now we are having body pains as punishment. *sighs*

we worry our T will die and then we'll have no one to help us the way they do. how many ppl would understand that last sentense/paragraph as a systemic conditioned mind control response, rather than psychosis?!?

we worry our pasterfriends will never come back (they away on extended trip right now). we miss them. we sad.

we wish we could hang out with ppl we love more often. but they gots familys. and we isn't it.

we dont got family. at all. mum wasnt our mum. she was a foster carer. we was bonded to her but she wasnt our mum. so jus like we never had a dad we also never realy had a mum. she belonged to the 'group'. to 'them'. so did we. but we dont no more. we belong to the One True King Jesus. now and forever.

is all for now.

trusting Jesus.

stay insane :)

got this from ivorys blog. (didn know how to ask you so i hope is ok.)

some thoughts too. we highlites our favorits.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

wouldnt have the guts to do this one

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

hehe, likes

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

cruel, lol

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

would not using capitals be a variation on this theme? lol

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

we prolly kinda do this all the time. and sing to usselfs, lol. and dance along...

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

coulnd keep a serious face!

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

we are always stating the obvious, we prolly do this all the time!

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

luvs! is makin' a fort!!!!!

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

we totally do stuff like this. not straight faced, tho. silliness!!!

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

ooh coulnd do this one, too mean!~!!

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

this one kinda makes us mad. kids is not dispensible.

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ...

Pass this around, ... Its Called ... therapy.

is there any body out there?

is there?

:(

time flies when you're....?

why is it i can think,

"gee, i gotta pee pretty bad",

and two hours later i still haven't moved?

and i *still* gotta go...?!?

sometimes we want to leave

move away
get away from the places
the ppl
that hurt
that trigger memories
that keep pulling the past into the present

leave town
start a new life

[the easiest would be to go banakers, move to some big city and disappear.
...from usselfs too.]

but the only real love we've ever known is here.
now.

elsewhere we would have nothing.

[sometimes nothing is better than something.]

if being here the closest many of us can come to a real hug is about three internal feet.... thats still a lot closer than 300 miles or more.